Running Out of Time
by carrieberries123
Summary: Clary just learned that she has a disease unknown and with no cure. Her parents just disappeared one day and so she can only talk to Simon. She thinks her boyfriend can't handle it yet but more importantly she doesn't want to break his heart. All Human. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING OF THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS! I only own this plot.
1. Chapter 1

**First Fanfic but I've been reading for years. I'll try to update as much as possible but between school, volleyball, and soccer I'm pretty busy. Oh and I can't forget that joyful homework! Anyway enjoy! Oh and I try to keep the authors notes short because I usually don't like to read them (but I do) so if there ever is long one I'll have a good reason.**

I looked out the window in my room in deep thought; I just came back from the doctors. They told me I had some disease that they didn't know of and had no cure. One thing was for sure though; I wasn't going to make it. They told me I had to come in once a week for check-ups in the hopes for finding some cure or some sort of clue of what I have or more importantly how long I have. I continued to stare. The good thing is since I don't show any signs of anything yet so it will most likely be a slow process until I die. I shuddered just thinking about it; I could feel despair running through my veins, until I felt I had nothing left, I felt..._empty. _

_*Flashback*_

_ I was alone at my house and sitting in my room drawing. I love drawing and a smile crept on my smiles, turning into a splitting grin. It was a picture of me and Jace, just sitting in a park bench in Central Park. _

_I clutched my stomach as these blinding pains shook my body. I felt a scream crawling up my throat, threatening to burst at the seams. Then it suddenly stopped. Confusion flooded my face, and I slowly stood up, just making sure it was gone. I decided just to go to the doctors just to be sure nothing was wrong. I didn't tell anyone; not even Jace. It could be nothing so they don't need to worry if it is, especially since most of my friends are drama queens, story of my life. _

_ In the car, I was fiddling with my hair. _It was no big deal_; I kept telling myself, but somewhere in deep inside I knew there was something wrong. _

_Once I arrived I immediately checked in. I sat in one of the waiting room chairs and peered around the room, looking for something to distract me from the anxiety gnawing in my stomach. It was when I saw the little boy in the room, looking like a ghost that really set my nerves on high. I glanced back over at him where he gave me a half-hearted smile and walked away. Thoughts flooded my head,_ that could be you. You could have cancer or some other disease that you can't pronounce. _I shook those thoughts out of my head; it won't do me any good to think negatively, but nevertheless_ m_y palms began to sweat and my body was on the verge of hyperventilating. _

_ The doctors came in a minute later, calling for me. I went into the room and began explaining to them what I was feeling. They started taking a bunch of tests and checking for my vital signs. Although I was too wrapped up in my thoughts; most of it was a blur to me._

_ After a while they left. I was all alone when the pain came back. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I let out a little weep. Someone must have heard me because a nurse came rushing in calling for a doctor. The last thing I remember was someone saying, "Call 911."_

_ I woke up in a white room, with the soft sound of my heart monitor. I saw someone walk in with a clip board, must be a doctor I thought. "I see you're awake, do you feel up to talking?" I nodded. "Mrs. Fray, can you please tell me what happened before you blacked out?"_

_ "Well I was sitting in the doctor's office alone, when I felt this horrible pain. It was like I swallowed a hundred little pins and they were stuck in my sides. Then I woke up here." My voice came out a little weaker than I thought it would. He frowned and looked back at his clip board. _

_"Did you feel anything thing else? Anything in your head or did you eat something your allergic too?" I shook my head. He gave me a confuzzled look and walked out of the room. "I will be right back." And with that I was alone again. _

_ After what felt like an hour of waiting, he came back. "Well you seem to have some sort of a disease that we haven't had before."_

_ "What? You haven't had anyone here with horrible stomach pains before?" I asked, suddenly getting angry that the doctors couldn't understand that this must be a mistake; something must be wrong with me. _What was wrong with me? Was it deadly?

_"No, we have but your test results that came from your doctor's office were different. You had a blood sample right?" I simply nodded, hoping he would just spit it out already. "Well you looked at your blood and you have a virus in your system. We don't know where it came from of or what it is but we do know that it is not healthy. This virus seems to be getting rid of your white blood cells slowly but surely, and since we don't know what it is we can't give you any medication for it because it might speed up the process." I looked at him in shock. I'm dying, slowly but I'm definitely dying. "I'm very sorry but the good news is, I can give you some medication for when you have those awful stomach pains." He handed me a bottle, "Just take one every morning and the pain will certainly decrease." _

_Finally, some good news, although it didn't make up for the fact that I'm DYING. "Do you have anyone that I can put on a contact list? In case this happens again?" I thought for a moment. I could tell Jace but then he would never let me out of his sight. My parents disappeared so no. And if I tell any of the Lightwoods they'll end up blabbing it to Jace. _

_"Yeah, one guy. His Name is Simon Lewis." After giving him Simons contact info I was released. I walked out of my car after leaving Simon a voicemail message._

_*End of Flashback*_

I replayed the story over and over in my head. I don't know what to do! I felt my phone buzz and I picked it up. "Simon, meet me at Central Park on our bench." After waiting for a yes I walked out to my car and sent Jace a quick text:

**Meeting Simon for Lunch.** **~C  
**

I drove to Central Park, ready to tell Simon my plan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Review answers and Thank you's are at the end of the chapter.**

Chapter 2

As I was walking to Central Park to meet Simon, I noticed a mirror to my left. I looked at myself trying to memorize every feature before I changed. I pulled my eyes away not wanting to think about the future.

I saw Simon waving at me to join him. I smiled and then realized I have to explain the story and what's happening with me before I tell him my plan and my smile quickly disappeared. I braced myself, not looking forward to this conversation. I walked over and he touched my shoulder. I tensed up. He immediately noticed and let go, while searching my face, trying to find something, anything. I kept my blank expression, not ready to say anything…yet. I sat down next to him and we stayed in a comfortable silence for a long time. He eventually he broke it, letting his curiosity and nerves get the best of him. "Why did you call me?" I looked down and my shoes for a little bit and then my eyes met his gaze. "Let's talk over coffee."

We talked about nothingness, like his mom and giggled at out comics that we like to read. As soon as I walked in, I let the aroma of coffee calm me, I was going to have to get this over with anyway. Simon ordered two black coffees and a minute later we got two steaming cups. After a few minutes of silence I blurted out what was on my mind. "I'm sick." I received an odd look. "Like I'm sick with the Flu, or I'm sick with like cancer." "The second one," I mumbled. He jumped to his feet in a flash. "You have cancer?" he practically shouted. People glanced in our direction trying to listen in on our gossip. "Quiet down. And no, I don't have cancer, but I'm still sick." "Oh…. Clary, what do you have?" he asked cautiously almost as if he didn't want to know the answer. _Can you blame him?_ I thought. "They don't exactly… know." Confusion lit up eyes. _Here goes nothing. _I started to explain the story of the hospital trip and what the doctors said, and with each word I said he got paler, and paler. When I finished he didn't respond and I got worried. _What if he didn't want to know me anymore? What if he hates me now? Oh, God! He probably does hate me. _My worries melted away as he walked up to me and just held me. A sob shook my body and I burst in tears.

After I calmed down he quietly asked "Does anyone else know?" I shook my head. He gave me a sympathetic look. "Let's get you home." We got a taxi home and I paid the driver. Before we got to the steps to my house I pulled him back and whispered "Don't tell anyone." He looked at me expecting something and I added "Don't worry I'll tell my mom. But it's just you and her. Not Isabelle or Alec" I swallowed. "or even Jace." He looked at me and I shook my head. "I want to do this on my own." _Actually, I am doing this on my own,_ I thought. I walked into my silent house. It's just me here. Simon doesn't know that I actually live alone. No one does. All I know is that my parents left one morning and left a note saying they were going to gone for a while but they would send money. It's been a year, but I still get $600 in my bank account every week and I'm fine with that. I mean I miss them but, they left and haven't called since. I have more anger than anything, really.

I called Simon and told him that I talked to my mom. "What did she say?" "Uh…that we will figure this out and that we'll just have to deal with it but keep up with the doctor's appointments." I paused and then added "Oh and Simon?" "Yeah?" "Well you know how I said don't tell anyone? Well I mean I'm going to cover up anything that makes me look sick." "How?" "If you let me finish I'll tell you." I paused. No response, indicating I can continue. "Well my hair is supposed to turn grey so I'll buy a wig. I'm also going to have a hard time eating. You'll have to help me with that one. I'll buy make-up for when I start to kind of turn pale and sick. Oh and I'll have to memorize routes to the bathroom in our school in case I feel dizzy, horrible stomach pains, or in case I get sick." "Clary…. I don't know if this is the best idea." I signed out of frustration. "Simon, I'm dying and I don't know of what or even exactly how long since 'it should be a low process' isn't very descriptive. I want to go on with live as normal as possible and do things before I die. Simon, it's my life. I know that this is hard for you, but can you do this one thing for me?" I waited a long pause until I heard a soft yes. "Thank you Simon. I'll see you tomorrow at school?" "Yup, bye Clary! Be careful!" "I will mother! Bye." I heard a soft chuckle before I hung up.

I went to my room and started to draw. It's the only thing I can do to clear my mind. Before I knew it I looked down at my picture and realized it was a picture of Jace. I signed not wanting to think about lying to him for a while or thinking about the future. I got up and took a shower to clear my thoughts of worry. After I dried myself and attempted to brush my hair, I went to bed. As soon as I put my head on my pillow I let sleep whisk me away from the worries that stressed my day.

**Soaking In the Reign- First of all Thank you! And I was looking for a disease close to something like this but I couldn't find anything that wasn't like a huge word. So I made it up, but hopefully it doesn't really exist!**

**Some Guest-Thank you! The title took a while, but I'm happy with it and Jace… well I don't want to give anything away but I think you'll enjoy what happens…and if not, well I'm sorry.**

'**jabc123 and iLoveRomance2o11'- I talk to you every day. If you have a question you can just ask, but Thanks anyway!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I cracked open my eyes to see the obnoxiously bright sun staring down at me. I groaned, hoping that we will have a snow day in September… not likely.

The thoughts of yesterday's events came flooding back to me, now I really don't want to go to school, but I promised myself I would act as normal as possible. I slowly got up and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked more pale than usual, but I was pretty pale as it was so now I look almost ghostly looking. I also lost some weight, since it's pretty difficult to eat and the very top of my hair was starting to turn dull, and grey. _Looks like it's going to be a hat day_. I went to my closet and got some loose clothes while repeating in my head _I can do this, I can do this._

I finished getting ready and walked downstairs. I started making breakfast when those horrible stomach pains returned. I clutched my stomach in pain. _I just have to get to the pill bottle._ I made my way to the counter top and ripped off the cap. I quickly swallowed one and downed a glass of water. My hands were shaking and my vision was blurry._ Great I'm blacking out...again. _And that was my last thought before I was sucked into darkness.

I woke up to hear a loud ringing. Ugh. I sat up and looked around. The world was spinning and I had a huge headache. My ears were ringing as I started to recover what happened before I ended up on the floor. The phone ringed again, bringing me back to reality. I stumbled my way over to the phone. "Hello?" I asked groggily, as I just woke up. _Oh wait, I just did._ "Hello Mrs. Fray. I'm calling because your daughter didn't show up to first hour." I froze. Thank God I sound just like my mom. "Uh… yeah. She just woke up and will be there in a little while. Sorry, I forgot to call." "It's fine, just remember next time. Thank you, Goodbye." I hung up and quickly walked out the door and to school.

Once I arrived, I walked into the office to check in and then skidded away to my locker. After dropping off my stuff and grabbing my books I walked to 3rd period.

I went to Mr. Hodge to give him my note and walked to my desk. I could feel the stares on me and I tried to pay attention. After failing miserably I turned my head and my eyes were met with brown ones._ Simon. _ Concern was brewing in his eyes. I waved it off and mouthed 'I'll tell you later.' My mind wandered off again and I tried to fight the worries but eventually I gave up and let them consume me.

My biggest one was Jace. I had to give him an excuse about why I wasn't in first period, or second, and it had to be one he'll actually believe. I also had to come up with an excuse for Simon, if my parents were still here they would've woken me up sooner. I could tell him the truth, but then he'll make me move in with him and I can't do that to him. If I die soon I can't be living with Simon when it happens because he will try to blame himself. And I really don't want him to do that.

The bell rang and I bolted out the door. I was taking books out of my locker when arms snaked around my waist. I leaned into the comfort, and finally tilted my head up to see him. "Where were you?" he whispered in my ear while I shivered. Only Jace could do that to me. I turned around, still in his arms and looked at his face. He was wearing her signature smirk but his golden eyes shouted concern. "I slept in late." My voice was a little uneven, but I was proud because it sounded pretty convincible, not to Jace, who knows me better than I know myself. He didn't look convinced but I gave him a look saying 'I'll talk to you about it later.' I gave him a quick kiss and pulled away before he could pull me closer. He mock pouted, and I laughed at that. "Love you, Jace!" I called as I started walking away. I heard something of the lines of "Love you, too Clary." I smiled as I rushed to class, not wanting to be late.

I waltzed in to my next period where I sit next to Simon in this class. I prepare myself for a boat load of questions and sure enough as soon as he sees me he marches up to me. "Where were you? Are you ok? Are you not feeling well?" They came out of his mouth almost as if he was demanding to get his answers, but I'm going to give in that easily. I can do something's on my own, and I want to while I still can. "Calm down Simon." He relaxed a little but was still tense, thinking something was wrong. _Something IS wrong. _I kept hearing those words repeat over and over and I almost put me hands over my ears to make it stop. I looked up realizing I was still talking to Simon. I gave him the calmest face I could muster and replied "I just slept in. My mom woke me up and the school called so she told them I slept in." I felt a pang of guilt. He still doesn't know about my family but I want my freedom, while I still have it. The teacher started talking and I gave Simon a reassuring smile, but concern still gleamed in his eyes. I looked away; the guilt was smacking me in the face. He knows something is wrong, but I can't him. He'll just freak out. I took the medication, the pain will be bearable. I just have to remember to take it first thing when I wake up.

I felt uncomfortable, so I fast walked to the teacher who signed my pass book and I bolted to the bathroom. After puking, I cried. I cried for my parents, cried for my future, and finally I cried for Jace. I cleansed myself and took the candy bar out of my pocket. Whenever I felt dizzy or saw the world spinning I knew I needed food. After a few bites (seeing as eating has become… difficult.) I walked out and popped a mint into my mouth; hopefully it will help with any…after breath. I hurried to class, hoping I wasn't gone for too long. The teacher gave me a questionable look and waved at me to meet her outside in a minute. I deciding talking to my principal about this was a good idea. I really like her and she can help me out for when I need to get out of class.

After I caught the teacher looking at me I followed her outside. Her eyes were full of confusion with a hint of worry. "Are you ok? You were in the bathroom for twenty minutes." I was in there for _twenty _minutes? Wow, time flies by when you're puking, I guess. I looked up and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," _Lie_ "but can I go talk to the principal?" She nodded slowly and once again gave me that questionable look but this time her message was clear. Her eyes were asking _what did you do? _I replied with an irritated look and marched to the office. This was NOT my fault! I walked in ready to talk to Mrs. Morgenstern.


	4. Chapter 4

**So sorry for the wait! I didn't get home until 8 both on Monday and Tuesday (today) so I didn't get the chance to update. I told you guys I'm busy, but I'll try and update as soon as possible!**

Chapter 4

"Alright, so what can I do to help?" she gave me a sympathetic look. Great. "Well I'm not really telling people about this, Simon Lewis is the only one," I swallowed. "Besides my family. Do you mind keeping this between you and me?" I received a warming smile that relaxed a tension I didn't even knew I had. "Sure, but I want to give your teachers a heads up, in case you have to make a quick dash to the bathroom, or if you need to just lie down." I froze; I do NOT want all of my teachers knowing. She must have noticed my tension because she added "Don't worry," _Too late_. "I'm not going to say anything specific. I'll probably say something vague about how you're not feeling well. Is that ok?" I nodded as I headed out the door.

"Oh, and Clary?" I turned around and she rose to give me a motherly hug. I embraced her hug as one tear slipped out. I smiled, happy to have someone close to a motherly figure. I reluctantly let go, and stumbled out of her office. Third period was over and I have lunch next. Yay. I took as much time as humanly possible to stroll to the lunch room. I grabbed a small lunch and a water bottle.

I tried to concentrate on something else but my thoughts kept running back to Jace. I should tell him, it would save him a lot of heartbreak, but I can't do that. He won't be able to handle something that he can't control. I've learned over the years he likes to control things (not in a bad way, I still can make my own decisions.) He's always been kind of protective over me and thought I should be treated right, like one time some guy was talking to me about how I should 'get with him.' Jace threatened him and told him to back off. He could always protect from those types of guys but this is something he can't control. I'm going to die whether he likes it or not. I know on the outside he will try to be strong for me but inside he will be secretly breaking. I can't even bare that thought. If the situation was reversed though I would be in the same situation he would be. _Except if he was dying he would tell you. He wouldn't want to keep this from you. He would want to spend as much as possible with you. He wouldn't want to keep you in the dark. He will eventually find out. Why can't you tell him now? _ I can't handle the heartbreak from him, that's why. I love him too much to do that to him.

I looked up and I saw Jace strutting over to our table. He kissed my cheek and sat down next to me. All of the girls shot daggers at me. I smirked because he's the hottest guy in the world and he was all mine. _Not for long. _My smirk quickly faded into a frown.

Isabelle joined us, along with Simon and started blabbing on about some new fashion thing that happened this weekend. I zoned out, not wanting to listen about fashion. We may be best friends, but that does not mean we have all the same interests.

I could feel Simon sneaking looks at me making sure I was ok. I appreciate him being so worried, but I am a big girl. I gave him a reassured smile and he seemed to calm down a bit. I looked over as Jace and noticed he was in deep thought. I wonder what he's thinking. He catches me staring at him and smirks, making me blush. His smirk then transforms into his concentrating face and his eyes start to flick from my food to me. He looks confused and then looks at me; I mean really looks at me. His eyes flick up and down my body and then he looks back at my eyes as if he's trying to decipher something. His face morphs to sympathy. _He knows. How can he know? I've only told two people and they both promised to keep it a secret. _I looked to Simon and he shrugged. _If this disease is soooo 'unknown' how did he figure it out?_ _Looks like we are having a big discussion later. _He stares at my food "I know that my face is so beautifully distracting, but it's lunch. Eat." I looked down at my food and gaze back at him. _He must not know that it's hard to eat. _I take a small bite and force it down. Ugh…. Who knew eating can be so difficult. He casts me a satisfied grin and I glance at Simon for help. He nods, knowing to change the subject.

"Hey, Isabelle?" She stops talking and looks at him with a questionable twinkle in her eyes. "Yeah?" "I was wondering..." he swallows and I note he looks nervous. OH MY GOD! HE'S ASKING HER OUT! My jaw dropped, but they didn't seem to notice. I knew he liked Isabelle, just from the way he looked at her, but never thought that he would ever actually have the guts to ask her out. "if you wanted to go out with me Friday?" Her eyes widen. _Please say yes. Simon doesn't need any more things to go wrong in his life. _She nods, still shocked. _Wow…she must have been blind. _"Yeah, sure Simon." He grins ear to ear, something I haven't seen lately. I'm about to get up and throw my lunch away but Jace has other plans. He pulls me back down and kisses me. I'm about to deepen it when I realize where we are. Jace is the only one that can do that, make me feel like we are the only two people in the room.

I pull away and he pouts. I giggle at his facial expression, "We are in a room full of people Jace, not here." I lean my head on his shoulder and he whispers into my ear "Ok, but you owe me." I almost give in right then and there but I stop, reminding myself that I'm not the biggest fan with doing things...public. I lean in close and am about to kiss him when I whisper "Maybe." I pull away, and he playfully growls.

I stand up and quickly walk out of the lunch room not wanting to be followed.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I didn't really do anything besides my oh so fun trips to the bathroom and get annoyed by the sympathy looks of my principal, but each time I gave her a reassured smile.

I walked home, happy to be out of the school and fill up on fresh air, well as fresh as air can get in New York. I walk in and drop my bag by the door. I'm about to sit down on the couch when I get a text from Jace.

**Want to hang out? (: ~ J**

I smiled. Jace comes over a lot, but he always asks where my mom is. I know he wants to meet her, especially since I've met his entire family.

**Sure (: ~C**

**Cool, I'll be there in 10. ~J**

I'm pacing in my kitchen, because I know what he wants to talk about, even if I don't. He figured it out; I can tell by the pitying and confused looks I got in the hallway and during class. And each time he gave me one of those looks, I just smiled back, pretending not to notice.

I heard the doorbell ring and I sensed who it was. I could've automatically known it was him even if had hadn't texted me. I stumbled to the door (I seem to be doing that a lot lately) and jerked open to reveal a very calm Jace, not what I was expecting. He came in and I led him to that couch.

We sat there in a very awkward silence. Then he abruptly got up and started pacing. _This is how you knew he would react, _I reminded myself. He turned toward me and I met his gaze, which was filled with concern and determination. _What is he determined about? Finding a cure? No, he just knows I'm sick. Is he going to try and find something? Oh No! I didn't even think about this. He won't stop. He won't-_ "Clary," he began and I tilted my head to look at him. _Damn my shortness!_ "I know something has been going on with you, and I know what it is." He eyes molded into anger, and hurt. "Jace, I'm-" He cut me off. "No let me finish" I silenced and waited for him to continue. "Clary, you obviously need help. Why didn't you come talk to me? This is something you should've come to me too." His golden eyes still flashed anger and hurt. I paused, making sure he was done. "Jace, I don't need help, I can still do things on my own." He looked at me like I was crazy. "You are planning on going _that _far?" _That far? _"Jace, I can't stop this. I want to still do things on my own until I can't and I need help. Could you understand and do that for me?" "No, Clary, I won't." My face fell. This is why I didn't want to tell him; I won't be able to do anything on my own. He must have noticed, because he sat down and added "Clary, I won't help you starve yourself." I almost got lost in his dreamy eyes, and then I processed what he just said. _Wait…what? _


	5. Chapter 5

**I know I usually don't post authors notes but this had to be said. Thank you guys soooo much! I really appreciate the reviews and I feel loved. And for all of my friends and family that are reading this thank you for the support!**

Chapter 5

_Wait…What? He thinks I'm not eating on purpose? Really? _"Jace, I would eat if I could-" He cut me off. "But you can! We can get through this!" He appeared very desperate. _Oh, just wait. _"JACE! Just listen to me for a moment!" He appeared shocked by my sudden outburst, but nodded anyway. "Jace, I'm not anorexic!"

"But then why do you look weak, and looked like you lost a bunch of weight. And I know you're not eating." He glared me down. "Jace, I-I-I'm... uh." I stumbled on my words, not quite sure how to tell the person you love that you're dying. "Save it. It's obvious you don't feel comfortable telling me."

He started toward the door. "Jace, wait." He spun around just as a wave of dizziness washed over me. I collapsed on the ground as strong arms wrapped around me.

"Clary! Clary! Answer me!" I tried to sit up as the dizziness started to fade away. "Jace, I'm alright." I choked out, he let go even if he doesn't believe me, and it looks like he doesn't. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" His concern was apparent in his shaky voice. I nodded seeing there was no way out of this. "Jace the other day I went to the doctor's office."

His face went really pale before he started freaking out. "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE PREGNANT?" I gaped at him. _Why does every man always jump to the conclusion that you're pregnant when something's wrong?_

"No! Jace, how can I be pregnant? I'm still a virgin!" He immediately calmed down as his concern morphed into embarrassment. "Oh yeah…" He scratched the back of his neck, awkwardly. "then why did you go?" I peered at his golden eyes and relief washed over me. "I got this really bad pain…"

I explained the rest and by the end I was in his embrace, sobbing in his arms. He began to whisper soothing things in my ear, and after a while I stopped crying.

Once I calmed down he looked into my eyes and his were filled with pity. One tear trickled down my cheek and he wiped it away with his thumb. His eyes stared directly into mine. "Why didn't you tell me?" I almost broke down again because the pain was so overwhelming in his voice. "Jace, I love you, I really do, but I just thought that is would be easier for you if I just slowly eased my way out of your life."

He stepped back as if almost not expecting that answer. "Clary, you think that if you just 'slowly ease out of my life' that I will be ok? That I won't be hurt by it or that I can just live with it wondering why you broke my heart. You act like that if you just walk away from my life I can move on. I can move on if my cat dies, hell I could move on if Maryse dies. But you, you are a part of me. If you die a part of me dies too, especially if I didn't know you were even dying."

I ran up to him and kissed him with all the passion I could muster, as a thank you so much. He responded and put his hands on my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and tangled my hands in his soft, curly hair.

We broke for air and I disappeared into his eyes which were filled with burning love, and with no surprise a hint of lust. I gave him a quick peck on the lips, before I grabbed his hands in mine. "How much time do you have left?"

His question brought back the memories of this week as I was remembered what it was filled with. Hell. I mumbled, "They don't know."

"Did you tell your parents?" I bit my lip and looked down at my shoes, as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. "Clary, you didn't tell your parents?" The confusion was evident in his voice. I shook my head; I didn't think I could find my voice. "Well you have to tell them. Speaking of which, where are they?"

His voice was stern almost trying to be my superior. I almost laughed at how funny it was; he defiantly was not the boss of me. "They're not here."

"No, really? Is that why their car isn't in the driveway." His voice was dripping with so much sarcasm that I could practically swim in it. "They never are." He spoke the last part so quietly that I almost didn't catch it.

"Jace, I haven't been able to tell them." Confusion portrayed his eyes. I repeated "They're not here." Something must have clicked because I could see disbelief written all over his face.

"Do you mean they left…And you're living… alone?" Anger brewed behind his eyes and it came bubbling to the surface. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ALONE?" He wanted to punch something, I could tell. When he's this angry he always wanted to punch something. _At least it's out of love. _

"It's uh….been a year…I think."

"And you didn't even think to tell me until now?... all those times when I hinted that I wanted to meet your parents…you didn't think to tell me that they're gone?"

"Jace, I-I-I'm sorry." I stuttered, pretty much on the verge of tears.

"Any other lies you want to share? Oh wait I forgot, I make you 'uncomfortable.'" He paused and turned towards the door. "Bye, Clary." I couldn't even comprehend what he just said.

Once the realization set in, my knees buckled underneath me and I dropped to the floor. He left me dying on the inside, all alone. But I kept reminding myself, _it was my entire fault to begin with. _


	6. Chapter 6

**I was going to update this weekend, until I realized I was at my dad's house. It was already written at my moms. And on Mondays I don't get home until 8. So sorry for the wait. Good news: I have meap for the next 2 weeks so when I finish those early I can just write and hopefully I will have 4 more chapters at the end of this week, but no promises. Thanks for the support! I love you guys!**

Chapter 6

For the past few days Jace has been acting like I'm invisible. I wanted him to go with me to my doctor's appointment but since he won't talk to me I guess I'm going alone. So excited.

I arrived at the hospital for my first "official" appointment. I honestly don't know what to expect but I'm hoping they found something good, or maybe even a cure. Yeah I know, not likely. I signed in and sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours, while fiddling with my hair.

Finally, the doctor came in and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Dr. Lightwood, I'm going to be your doctor when you come for these weekly appointments." I simply nodded while shaking his hand and followed him through the maze of corridors. It might be my fear talking but this place smelled like death. I shivered, just thinking about my future makes me bitter.

I walked into a big, white room with a bed. He led me to the bed and I perched myself on it. "Okay, Mrs. Fray we will be doing a blood sample and I want to know what kind of symptoms you have been having." I nodded with understanding. "First just tell me what you have been experiencing or feeling lately."

In my head a replayed my week of hell, _if only Jace were_ _he- I can't think of him like this, he hates me with a burning passion now. _My mind was in the middle of an inner war of hating Jace and loving him. I can't decide what side to agree with. I probably sound crazy, but hey I'm dying; I was bound to snap any moment, I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

I looked up to see Dr. Lightwood staring at me with a glimpse of question in his eyes. _Oh, wait… he asked me a question. _"What?"

"What have you been feeling lately?" he said very slowly, almost as if I was 10 years old. I narrowed my eyes at him. _Asshat._

"I have been having pretty bad stomach pains." I said just as slowly as him, with a smirk plastered on my lips. If he was annoyed he didn't show it, _probably gets a lot of bratty kids, he must be used to it. _"On a scale from one to ten, how bad have the pains been, ten being the worst?"

"Ten." I responded without hesitation or any trace of being unsure. His face was a concoction of confusion and shock, but it flashed by so quickly that I almost didn't see it. Almost. _Why is he so confused? The pain was awful, wait… is this a bad sign? _I glimpsed at his face.

It now was that blank expression that always owns his face. He nodded. "Anything else?"

"Yeah….I puke blood… a lot."

"You puke…blood?" His eyes were wide and he scribbled something down on his notebook. I hesitantly nodded, as if I could've had the wrong answer. "I'll be right back."

I didn't watch to see him leave, my head was buzzing around too much, but I heard the door click shut. I gazed out the window, unsure of what to think of everything.

I sat there in utter silence waiting for the doctor, _or Jace. He won't come. You guys probably broke up, and just remember, it was all your fault. _I wanted to just scream out in frustration, but seeing as I'm in a hospital I will probably have a rush of people come in. Not the best idea. I didn't scream and just settled with punching a pillow.

Dr. Lightwood waltzed back into the room with a puzzled expression. "Clary, I'm going to take your blood now, but you have to wait about an hour before we know your test results. Are you missing school for this?" I nodded. "Okay, did your mom call?" _Mom. _My eyes started to water. _I will not cry. I will not cry. _

One tear betrayed me and made its way down my cheek and I wiped it away, mostly out of shame. "No, but I already talked to my principal about it." My voice was hoarse, sounding like I haven't talked in days.

He made his way over to me and pricked my skin with a needle. Normally, that would've hurt but looking back at my week, it was nothing, not even worth a flinch.

He left once again, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I felt so empty, drained. Not from the disease but something else, it was obvious though it was not a good feeling. _It's Jace; it's always been Jace. _I shook my head, dismissing the thought, I can't think about Jace right now. I can't cry anymore, I've got to move on. I don't need him to help me, I can do this on my own, and I don't even need Simon. I don't give a damn about what Jace thinks.

I sat up straight, with a new found determination._ I've been on my own for a year, I don't need __**his **__help. _I laid back down, when the realization of how tired I actually was, hit me. I closed my eyes in preparation for sleep and the moment my head hit the pillow sleep decided to take me away.

I woke up with a jolt. I was soaked with a cold sweat. I shuddered from my nightmare, even though I don't remember what it was, but it must have been pretty bad.

I let my eyes adjust to the dark, black hole that was my room. Finally, I could see…somewhat.

My eyes scanned the room until the landed on a shadowy figure. _Jace? _As I inspected more closely I saw it was a women. She had fiery red, curly hair. Her vibrant green eyes light up the room and she was tall. My eyes widened as the recognition hit me like a ton of bricks. With my eyes as shocked as my voice, I whispered "Mom?"


	7. Chapter 7

**This Chapter is from Jace's POV just because I thought maybe you guys would like to see what is going on in that beautiful blonde head. Yeah….I love Jace.**

Chapter 7

I jogged into school and headed towards my locker where some group of girls continued to giggle and point their finger at me. I smirked, typical day.

Last year I would've gone over there and sweet talked them, but ever since that red head stepped into my life, I didn't feel the same about anything or anyone. Everything would be fine if she wasn't dying or didn't keep secrets from me, or everyone for that matter. "Trying to protect me" my ass. I know that I probably scared the living daylight out of her but, what would you do if the one you loved was dying? I know I'm being a drama queen **(A/N I did that just for you, wonderful sister of mine.) **and that I should apologize, but my big ego won't have any of it.  
I strutted off to first period, trying to get that damn red head out of my head. I completely zoned out everything else and just took a minute to myself. After a few minutes my anger subsided. Relief and calm washed over me and for the first time this week I wasn't anxious or worried and I had to say, it felt nice.  
As soon as I walked in I knew something was missing, _or someone. _My eyes went into search mode and roamed the room. Nothing. _Stop freaking out Jace. The bell hasn't rung yet and she's just running late._ I repeated those words over and over in my head so maybe it might come true. _You're so whipped._ I distracted myself by checking out some of the girls in the class. _That's not cheating right? No, I'm not doing anything, just imagining. _

_Now I know why people call me an ass. Or for Clary "asshat." _I calmed down once I thought of a few more explanations and good times with Clary. And for you dirty minded people, no I did not mean **those **good times.  
As the day went by my anxiety grew and grew. Before I went to each period I went to Clary's locker to see if I saw her beautiful smiling face. Sadly, all I saw were the dull, blue lockers.  
By lunch I was pretty jumpy. My eyes were on search mode looking for her. I carefully walked to my lunch table, while my eyes scoped every inch of the room and once again I fell short. I sat down and immediately saw Rat boy and Isabelle. "Hey, have you guys seen Clary?" Isabelle shook her head being oblivious to what was on my mind while Rat boy gave me a terrified look. He started playing with his fingers. "You mean you haven't seen her today?"

I shook my head. _He knows. So Clary told him before me? _I understand why but that didn't block the wave of hurt crashing into me, daring to drown me.

"Calm down boys. She's probably just sick." Isabelle responded bluntly. I snapped my head up and my eyes found Simon's gaze. I know we were both thinking the same thing. _How ironic that sounded. _My eyes hardened, and with a cold chuckle. "Yeah, probably."

The rest of lunch I could feel Simon's eyes burning my skull as I was busy staring off into space. Isabelle won't shut up (no surprise there) about her date on Friday. Oh my god, someone just tape her mouth shut already!

The bell suddenly blasted through the room signaling lunch was over. I stood up and started to the door when a hand reached out and roughly grabbed my arm. Whoever this was shoved me in a room, no wait a janitors closet, _great. _I pushed their hands off of me. "Look, I know I'm hot but I have a girlfriend. I don't do this thing anymore."

"I should hope not." said a male voice. _Simon? _A layer of shock appeared on my face, but it was dark so he couldn't see, unless he was a vampire, which I have thought could be true on more than one occasion. I peeled off my facial expression and my hands fumbled with the light switch. With a flick of a switch light searched its way through until it found every corner. I casted my usual smirk. "Rat boy, I already told you, I'm not into you that way. I'm with your best friend anyway; who I might add is a _girl_. I have to say though. This does not surprise me." My grin grew on my face as each word poured out of my mouth.

"JACE, shut the hell up!" My grin quickly evaporated into thin air and replaced with my everyday face. I don't let anyone else in besides Clary and I certainly won't let Rat boy in. "What's got your panties in a twist?"

"How dare you do that!" _I make fun of him all the time; why is today any different? _"Look buddy, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't get me that shit Wayland." _Wow, swearing twice in one day must be a new record._ "I know you know what's going on with her."

I tensed open as the words floated in the air. Anger bubbled inside me and erupted out. "Oh yeah? I really don't think you do. Do you know what it feels like to have the only person you _love_ dying? And there is absolutely _nothing _you can do about it? Oh wait I forgot. You understand everyone and everything because you are just _that_ perfect, besides being so obviously in love with Isabelle."

He seemed astounded by my sudden outburst, and a little confused too.

"How did y-"

"Do you think I'm _blind?_ You are sooo in love with Isabelle it's sickening!" The anger that I was currently feeling reflected in Simon's eyes.

'You're one to talk! Clary's got you wrapped around her little finger!" _There was no use denying it, because it was true. But of course I would never admit that._

"At least the person I like likes me back and isn't just messing me for fun!" The color drained from his face along with the anger. He hung his head down and looked at the floor. Guilt began to flow through my veins and instantly regretted saying it, especially since it was a complete and utter lie. "Simon I-"

"Save it, Jace. I didn't come here to fight. I just wanted to help you get your head out of your ass. You're welcome."

"What are you talking about?" I seethed, most of my anger returning.

"Can't you see what you're doing to her?" His voice was calm and desperate. He honestly sounded like he was trying to get me to trust him, _not like I will though._

"I'm not doing anything! She was the one who _lied_ to me! Not the other way around!"

"Jace, you need to open your eyes! She thinks you _hate _her." I took a big step back. I _am_ mad at her, but I could never hate her, even if I wanted too, but I don't. "Why would she think that?"

Simon took a step towards me and slapped me on the arm, hard. "Whoa, Lewis when did you get so strong?" I smirked. My sarcasm was coating every word in a thick layer, so thick that you almost couldn't them.

"Because, she told me about the fight you too had. She told how you yelled at her after she confessed _everything_ to you."

"I wouldn't really call it a _fight." _Yes, I yelled at her but that hardly counts as a fight. I glanced up and saw that his eyes hardened and were so cold I felt goose bumps crawl up my arms. His cold laugh matched his face and filled the deadly, silent closet.

I was honestly freaked out by the way he was acting. He was never this cruel or forth coming to me about anything, let alone something this important. But I still kept my poker face, which read 'I don't give a shit.'

"How can you be so _blind_? She _loves_ you! And you keep bullying her! Yes, it was not her smartest move to keep everything from you, but she's dying. And here you're yelling at me for trying to help you see that! The girl you freaking love is dying and you are spending what time you have left ignoring her and making her feel worse!"

My poker face was whisked away and was replaced with plain shock. Although he continued anyways, there was still a hint of relief at my expression. "So, Jace quit saying shit about her and listen to her. You know when you slammed the door on her," I winced, not a big fan of my action then. "She fell to the ground crying. She is DYING for crying out loud! Do you want to speed the process of it? And now because of you and your big, fat ego she went to her doctor's appointment _alone_ this morning. She didn't even want me there with her! She said she wanted to do this alone, she said she deserved it because of the way she acted towards _you. _You completely convinced her that she deserves all that's coming to her. She already has it hard enough and _you _made her think that she is doing this all alone. She was supposed to show up during the day, but thanks to you I don't know why she is still isn't here! If I were you I would go and find her, figure out what's going on. Because she sure as hell won't tell me!"

I was speechless. Simon, _Simon _just made me feel like a complete and utter jackass, only Clary can do that to me. I replayed this week in my head and rewatched our fight. Her face was heartbreaking and then we have me being the shitty boyfriend, yelling at her making her feel a thousand times worse. I mentally smacked myself.

I blinked and registered where I was, which was alone in a closet. Simon must have stormed out.

I sprinted out of the closet and ran out of the school.

I was almost to my car when another arm grabbed me and whipped me around. I was met with blue eyes covered in confusion, _not surprising since this is Isabelle. _I mentally smirked at my comment, until I realized where I was headed to. Her eyes searched mine, but me being the master of emotion, she found nothing, just as always. "Where are going Jace? One minute you were walking to your next class which Alec said you didn't even _show _up to. And next you are sprinting out to your car about to drive away and the school day isn't even over yet."

I kept trying to think of a believable excuse but my mind could only worry about Clary right now, so I said what was on my mind, seeing as I couldn't exactly think straight. "Clary."

I hopped in my car and drove away and sure enough when I spun my head around to see a stunned Isabelle standing there, watching me drive off.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Hello! We are back to Clary's POV, but if you want Jace's or whoever's let me know!**

I blinked and pinched the bridge of my nose. _This isn't happening, this isn't happening._  
"Hi, honey..." She gave me a warm smile which a returned, but mine was more...forced. A mix of emotions flashed before my eyes. I saw sadness, happiness, betrayal, but oddly enough confusion stuck out the most. "Why are you here Jocelyn?" I tried so hard to keep the venom out of my voice, but based on her expression I could tell I was doing a pretty poor job. Her face noticeable dropped about ten feet.

"I thought you would be happy to see my honey." My jaw dropped. "Cut the bullshit Jocelyn." I replied through gritted teeth.

She rose to her feet, anger boldly written on her face. "You will NOT swear Claris-"

I sat up, my anger covering up the constant pain in my stomach. "Go to hell!" She looked taken aback, as if her _daughter _could _ever_ talk to her that way. My face was now officially boiling hot. I looked directly into her eyes, and with effort, I once again tried to keep the venom out of my voice, "You think _you _have the right to tell me what to do _'__mom' _after the way you treated me? You left all alone, might I remind you, with only a note! You disappeared without a trace and now you think _you _should be the one who is angry, like you are the one that was hurt. Did you honestly think this through, because it sure as hell didn't sound like you didn't?" Her jaw was on the floor and her eyes were as wide as saucers.

She stared at me for a few tension filled minutes. My eyes were wandering around the room. I couldn't believe her. _Who does she think she is?_

I didn't even care what she thought anymore, I've been through enough this week, stress will NOT help. I closed my eyes and let my mind relax. I slowly felt my anger subside, to leave only hurt.

I glanced up to see her gazing desperately at me. My jaw clenched, "So, I haven't seen you in over a year. Tell me, how you have been, Jocelyn?" My irritation must have been apparent in my voice, because the desperation in her eyes only grew. She didn't respond, just watched me, her eyes pleading for forgiveness. I looked away. I couldn't handle it, even if I was pissed at her, she's still my mom. I heard a creak of the tile, of the hospital floor and snapped my head toward the noise. I saw Jocelyn walking towards me. Her arms open wide, but as soon as they touched me, I instantly flinched back. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to…" She trailed off, trying to grope for the right words.

I turned so I wasn't facing her and closed my eyes. After taking a deep breath I told her, "Just leave. I need time to think about all of this. Please, just go." My voice sounded strained, not a trace of anger remained.

I could feel her sad gaze on the back of my head. I slowly spun my head around so I faced her. She hasn't moved an inch. I simply shook my head and she cautiously made her way to the door.

She turned to face me and opened her mouth, but as soon as she saw my expression and clamped her mouth shut. I held her gaze, which contained disappointment, hurt, confusion, and a touch of regret. She disappeared down the hall and her footsteps became softer, and softer, until I couldn't hear anything.

It wasn't until now that the realization of searing pain, punched me straight in the stomach. I tensed up and slowly found my way to a laying position, trying not to injure myself anymore.

The pain only became more and more intense. A scream found its way up my throat and out of my system. The noise filled the clean, white room and rush of nurses and doctors filled the emptiness. In the group of lab coats, I spotted one that had Mr. Lightwoods face attached to it. He started to come through the crowd and once he saw me desperately clutching my stomach, realization set in his face.

He rushed over to me, while ordering others to do this and that. A nurse came over and held my hand while whispering words of encouragement.

Black dots filled my vision and I could feel myself slipping into unconsciousness. Someone stuck something in my arm, and the pain started to fade away. Relief rushed through me and it dawned on me that I was panicking. "It's okay now sweetie, it's over. Your body went into shock because you started panicking about the pain." She stroked my hair and I leaned into her touch, thankful that it was over. "You just need to calm down."

I nodded, too breathless to even speak. My vision started clearing up and with a sigh of relief I glanced around the room. Mr. Lightwood was watching me with his relief, flushed face. I gave him a reassuring smile, and he nodded, while stalking out of the room. I turned back to the nurse, "What happened?" She hesitated before responding, "Well you know how one of your symptoms is pain in your stomach?" I nodded, and now I was the one receiving the reassuring smile. "This pain seemed a lot worse than last time right?" She didn't wait for a response, just continued. "We discovered that your disease is obviously causing this, but we don't know if it will increasingly get worse, or better. We can't even predict when it will happen!" She let out an exasperated sigh and looked at me, I mean _really _looked at me.

This gave me a chance to look at her, without all that awkwardness. She was pretty, really pretty. She had curves to die for, and had curly, brown hair with golden strand woven in. Her eyes were amber and had a certain sparkle to them. They suddenly lit up, as if remembering something. "Oh, and my name is Maia by the way."

"I'm Clary, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that." She laughed at my comment and we talked there for a long while, about nothing and everything.

She is a nurse and graduated college from NYU. She wants to be a doctor, but had to get some credit and learning skills first before she can be one. She is 22 and has a boyfriend named Kyle, who she is very in love with.

"What about you, anyone special in your life?" She wiggled her eye brows, and gave me a suggestive smirk. I playfully shoved her and gave an overdramatic sigh before I answered, "Well, it's kind of complicated."

"I've got all day honey." She was very curious and I could tell she wasn't going to drop it until I answered. "Well I think I am dating my three year boyfriend, Jace, but he got mad because I didn't tell him that I was…_sick _and lied about some other stuff. He stormed out after I told him and he has been ignoring me this entire week at school. We might be broken up, but he didn't tell me anything specific."

Her eyes bore into mine and were coated with sympathy. "Come here, sweetie."

She pulled me into a heartwarming hug and whispered into my ear, "He will realize he made a mistake." She pulled away from me and continued to stare into my eyes, "You said you guys were together for three years right? Well he must be some hell of a guy, if he has been dating you for that long. He will come back, I promise." I simply nodded and stared into the distance. She seemed to take my hint, and sauntered to the door. With one last glance back, she closed the door and walked down the long corridor.

I relaxed into my hospital bed, worn out from the day and took a restful nap.

A knock at the door sounded waking me up from my slumber, "Come, in!"

Dr. Lightwood came strolling in with his clipboard, looking all high and mighty. I rolled my eyes, _figures. _

He ignored it and told me what he came in here for, "Clary, I know the pains were bad, so we want to keep you here for another day or two just to make sure you are alright."

I nodded my head, even if I wasn't happy about it I'm guessing I wouldn't win a fight with a doctor who is trying to save my life, but that's just me. He started towards the door, but an idea popped into my head, "Wait!"

He slowly turned around and looked at me. It wasn't a rude glance, just questionable and irritated. He raised one eyebrow, waiting for my question. "Will you make sure I'm okay with a visitor before you let them in?"

He nodded, unsurely, but nodded nonetheless. "I'll let the receptionist know." And with that he left, leaving me alone, with only my thoughts to keep my company, not that I minded though and probably for the third time that day I fell asleep, but only got about 10 minutes because another knock came from the door. "What?" I barked; getting agitated that I couldn't sleep. A nurse poked her head out from behind the door, "Sorry to wake you Ms. Fray, but you have a visitor."

"Who is it?"

"It's a boy and he said he was from your grade and that you guys are really close," _Simon. _I immediately perked up and told her to bring him in.

But instead of chocolate hair and eyes I was met with golden ones. He didn't look angry anymore and instead it was replaced with regret. This only angered me, _damn right he should regret it, he broke my heart!_

"What do you want, Jace?" I hissed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 **

**So I'm using FANgirl's idea, because I liked it, I'm going to change it up a bit, since I realized that Clary is very frustrated and needs to let her frustration out, but just remember, she is the in the hospital, dying...so she really can't do anything too serious...yeah. Thanks so much for the reviews! I really love them and they help with motivation and sorry it took so long to update, this school week is over I become way less busy, soccer and volleyball end, but play practice starts (if I get in) but I will try my hardest. Oh, and I don't know how long I should make this story...I could make it like 30 chapters or like 15..so let me know! Sorry for the long authors note! ENJOY! (:**

Clary's POV

"What do you want Jace?" I hissed, not to thrilled to see my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever the hell we are.  
He was nervously playing with his hands and guilt was written all over his face. "I know I haven't really been fair-"

"Do you think?" I threw my hands up in the air. And all of my anger, even I didn't know I had exploded out of me, "Jace, I'm freaking DYING! And you think it's alright to come waltzing in here after the way you treated me this week! I've been ALONE for years and that included when I still lived with my mom. When we started dating I thought, 'hey I really like him, maybe, I don't have to be alone.' But you sure as hell proved me wrong!" I huffed, all the while glaring into his golden orbs. I almost gave in then and there, but memories of our fight flooded my mind and I could feel my eyes turning into ice, not letting him break me further, _you can't break what's already broken, _I reminded myself.

I mentally signed, realizing I let a boy break me, when I was still picking up the pieces of my own life.

My phone buzzed signaling I had a text message, but not being in the mood to talk to anyone… I ignored it. My head inched up and my eyes were met with balls of golden honey, and instead of them wearing cockiness he had a bunch of different emotions swimming before me. As I searched them I came to turns with how bad he really did feel, but that doesn't make up for what he did, but it did make me soften, only a little.

He opened his mouth to say something but then the door burst open, and in walked Simon, with a nurse lady following him. "Sorry we were coming to ask you, but he ran to your room and got in before we could stop him." I giggled, _only Simon. _

"It's okay." She nodded and left me in a room with the two most important guys I know. My eyes lit up when Simon came into the room and out of the corner or my eye I saw Jace's jealous expression which only proved my action. "What are you doing here, Si?"

He walked over and sat down in the chair next to my bed. His face showed disappointment, he mock sighed "Clary, you have a phone for a reason, use it. I swear, sometimes it would be the same if you carried a stick around instead." **(A/N My sister and I say that all the time with my dad. Hehe.)** I shoved him, but my eyes were playful, his mirroring mine. "I didn't get your message."

He rolled his eyes, "I gathered that. Anyway, you didn't come to school and Jace, and I were freaking out." Simons eyes met Jace's and they seemed to be having a silent conversation without me, Jace's eyes evolved and now were glistened with gratefulness.

Simon nodded and turned his head back to me, "I think you two have something to discuss." I sighed; it was going to eventually happen anyway. He got up, but I stopped him, "Wait! Before you go, can I ask you a favor?" His face betrayed fear, but nodded anyway. "What?" I waved my hand and told him to come closer. Once he was close enough, I whispered something in his ear. He pulled away, and now his eyes were full of mischief. He nodded and made his way over to Jace, where he proceeded to smack him upside the head, repeatedly.

Jace's hand whipped out and he turned while punching Simon in the face. His head flew back and he fell on the ground. "JACE, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" I screamed, my face matching the color of my head. He looked toward Simon. His eyes screamed guilt and fear. Then it dawned on me, when Jace was little this is what his father would do to him.

_*Flashback*_

_Jace and I were at my house in my bedroom, where we proceeded to make out. My hands made their way to the hem of shirt, and started to pull up when he pulled away and backed up against a wall in my room. He was terrified, and seemed to be having an internal fight. Jace was visibly shaking, when suddenly he snapped his eyes shut. His knees gave out underneath him as he slid his back down the wall. I gently walked over to him and sat in front of him, but he didn't even notice I was in front of him. He pulled his knees to his chest and started rocking himself back and forth, mumbling things to himself. _

_Why was he freaking out? _

_Then his voice rang throughout the silent house. "No dad, please stop! Please stop!" He started whimpering and hyperventilating. So this was about his dad, this must be why he never talks about his family, if he has one. I leaned over and softly put my hand on his shoulder. Something seemed to snap in him and his hand came out and slapped me across the face. I pushed back and put my hand to my cheek. It was stinging, and I was hurt, not by what he did but why? Why would he slap me?_  
_His head snapped up and looked directly at me. He saw me cradling my cheek and it seemed to click in his head what just happened. The expression on his face shouted horror, and a touch of guilt. He stood up quickly and stumbled to my door, and tried to escape me house. Yeah right, I was defiantly going to let him leave without an explanation. I bolted after him, and yanked his arm back before he could open my front door._

_His eyes were roaming around the room, trying to find something to look at other than my face. I let go of his arm and grabbed his head, "Jace, look at me." He shook his head and I could see that the water works were about to explode._

_Even if he still didn't want to I made him turn his head to look at me. His face made my heart shatter, all this time I thought I was broken when my parents left and he was picking back up the pieces, but it turns out he was broken, more broken than me. His head slowly inched up until his glassy eyes met mine._

_I moved my hands and wrapped them around his neck. He leaned into my touch, and this seemed to calm down his shaking. After a few more minutes of relaxing, I picked up his head and gazed steadily into his eyes. "Jace, what happened?" _

_His laugh was so cold; it sent chills down my spine, and not the pleasant kind. "What hasn't happened?"_

_I stared at him with a silent look, egging him to keep going. He caught my silent plea, "Clary, if I told the reason I am like I am today, you would be disgusted." _

_I shook my head, "Your problems are my problems Jace. Trust me, it can't possibly be that bad." _

_He shook his head, but took a deep breath anyway, "Clary, my childhood wasn't the best." I titled my head to the side and my eyes were lit up with questions. "What do you mean?" _

_He took another deep breath before saying, "Let me show you." His hands made their way to the hem of his shirt and hesitated for a second before slowly lifting his shirt. _

_Underneath his shirt was scar after scar. They lit up his entire shirtless form and everything clicked inside my head. "And that's not even the worst." _

_He turned around and lifted the hair in front of the nape of his neck. A small gasp erupted from in a side of me. It was completely white with crisscrosses' here and there. I touched it, and smiled when I felt him shiver beneath my touch. _

_I whirled him around. His eyes immediately found mine and were intensely searching them. He closed his eyes, "Please just tell me how weak I am, I can't take the suspense. Just say it already." _

_I was outwardly shocked by his assumption, "Just say what already? That I love you no matter what? That you think this changes anything about how I feel about you? Jace, I love you that will never change, not even if I wanted to." _

_His eyes suddenly burst open, and were immediately searching mine, for any lies or doubt, but I knew he wasn't going to find anything. He wrapped his arms around me and I was engulfed with warmth, not that I'm complaining. His hands found the curls on top of my back and started toying with them. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" _

_I laughed, "No, but I'm pretty sure I just did." He chuckled and returned to my hair. He leaned his head in my shoulder. "I love you," he muffled in my shoulder and I smiled knowing how much closer we got, that it proves nothing can break us._

_*End of flashback*_

I looked at Jace and nodded, while opening my arms up. He stumbled over to me and sat down in my bed while I held him. He was shaking considerably, and talking to himself. All the while I kept telling him, "Shh, you're not like him. You are strong, you're not like him." He didn't sob, just gripped me, as if he was thinking I would slip through his fingers. I slipped my fingers under his chin and pushed his head up until his glassy eyes met mine. "Jace," I said sternly, "You. Are. Not. Like. Him."

He stood up and I glanced behind at Simon who was giving the most confused look I have ever seen. I cracked a smile at this and just gave him a look that said "not now." He nodded and turned to leave, telling me some excuse about having to do something important.

Jace sat down in the chair next to me and grabbed my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb. He quirked his head towards me and smiled, "You were strong for me, and now it's my turn to be strong for you." I gave him a heartwarming smile and gently squeezed his hand. He returned the squeeze and I fell asleep to the gentle touch of his hand.

**Yea, not much violence but I wanted to explain Jace's back story, because no one is that cocky and rude without having some sort of issues, no matter if he is a fictional character or not. Also Jace is not living with his abusive dad anymore, he moved out since he is 18, Clary's 17 by the way. R & R Please! Love you guys! (:**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**I am soooooooooooooooo sorry I didn't update sooner. My birthday was on Wednesday and play practice goes until 6 most nights and I've just been really busy, also I keep starting this chapter and then it seems to disappear….so…I promise not to lose this one…? J And Jabc123 quit harassing me! I'm busy! Oh, and one more thing, not I'm not done with this story, I promise I will not abandon it, without me saying so, and since I still love to write I do not see that happening any time soon. It's been like 2 weeks people, calm down, *cough cough* guest *cough cough* although thank you again for all the support! I really appreciate it!**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._  
With a gasp I woke up and looked around the room, I'm still in the hospital…great.

There was something missing though _or someone_, with another peek around I noticed Jace was gone. The memories of yesterday flooded me, and I smiled realizing he still loved me, and was there for, me. Then the smile was wiped off my face and the realization hit that he wasn't here anymore. _Did he regret saying we were still together? Did he regret saying he could be strong for me? Does he still lov- _My thoughts were interrupted when Dr. Lightwood came strolling through the door. "Morning Ms. Fray."

"Good morning, Dr. Lightwood, am I free to go yet?"

He started to stroke his invisible beard, and at first I thought he was joking, until I saw his face held all seriousness and was in deep thought; I held in a giggle. "Well, I think you are welcome to go, but," he looked me straight in the eye, I swallowed, "if you feel dizzy or if anything doesn't feel right you better come down here straight away, I don't want you to feel worse or anything to happen without you under my watch."

I nodded hastily, "Thank you, Dr. Lightwood."

He smiled (a real smile I might add) which released the tension I felt from him, "Please, call me Robert." _Then why don't you call me Clary? _I didn't say that though, just nodded, and walked out of the room.

"Oh, and Ms. Fray?" he asked. I stopped in the door way and turned around, a look of question written all over my face. "You are still wearing the hospital gown, we will give your clothes to good will but, I thought you might want to keep them."

My face blushed, transforming into a deep red, which matched the color of my hair, _damn genetics._

I scurried to the bathroom and quickly changed into my clothes, and walked out of the room, without giving Dr. Lightwood- sorry _Robert,_ another glance.  
My phone buzzed and I checked it to see I had 20 missed calls, half of them from none other than Jace. _Jace. _My mind wandered back to my previous thoughts, each one making my face fall more and more, and I'm pretty sure I felt my jaw hit the floor, but I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I could have imagined it.

I decided to wait to get home before I called him back, maybe then I could straighten out my thoughts. I'm surprised the hospital people are allowing me to drive, let alone, being by myself, but nonetheless I took off, headed towards home. My hand inched towards the radio and turned on my favorite station, and started singing For the First Time, by the Script (one of the best bands ever! THE SCRIPT3.)

I was so wrapped into listening to my off key voice that I completely missed the turn to my street. Groaning, I turned and I caught a glimpse of something, someone with hair so blonde it looked white….or maybe it was white? Anyway I felt this weird connection to him, like I knew him but I couldn't put my finger on it.

As if feeling me watching him he spun around and my eyes met his. I gasped at the darkness of his eyes, it would look ridiculous on anyone else, but he seemed to pull off the look of white hair and black eyes.

His eyes seemed to hold the same look mine did: an odd combination of recognition and confusion. Someone hollered his name and his head snapped in that direction, with one last glance back at me he sprinted off to his caller, leaving me there sitting in my car, that was still running, _Shit! How long have I been here for?_

I glanced at the clock which led me to feel even more confused, if that was possible. It was only about minute of me and that mysterious boys' staring contest.

I shook my head, clearing my thoughts of that confusing boy and pulled out of the driveway going in the direction of my house, my original destination.

I pulled into the drive and hobbled out, not standing for a whole day makes it harder to walk normally, at first. I looked back at my car to lock it when a noticed another car took the spot next to me, a very familiar car. I sighed, Jace.

I carefully made my way to my house and quickly opened the door. I glanced around. _Where is he?_ Then a memory came to me.

_*Flashback*_

_I was in my room, cuddling with Jace, it was a few weeks ago that he told me about his father, and we have been great since then, including his flashbacks, and metal breakdowns. I smiled at him, _how could I end up with someone to perfect? Especially when you're not,_ I reminded myself. _Liars are not perfect.

_His voice pulled me from my thoughts, "What are you thinking about?" _

_I laced my fingers through his, "Oh just how perfect you are, and how I ended up with someone so wonderful." _

_He smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I love you, Clary."_

_My mouth formed an "o" and my eyes held excitement with a sprinkle of shock. I nuzzled my nose in his neck, and rested my head on his rock hard abs. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer while kissing me softly on my head. _

_I whispered in a soft tone with a smile dancing on my lips, "I love you too, Jace." And with that I fell into a deep slumber._

_*End of Flashback*_

I smiled at the memory; it was one of my favorite ones, before everything became more complicated. I love that Jace could be so open with me, even with dark things like his past; especially since he is open with no one else. He trusted me, and the worst part was I didn't even trust him with mine, I couldn't take the judgment. He told me that night that my room with his favorite place to be, when he needed to think, and where he could just be himself, with having that mask that is so hard to keep up around me. _God, how did I even keep secrets from him? _

I walked up the stairs to room and sure enough he was in there, on my bed, staring at the ceiling. His eyes gleamed with hurt, and I wanted so badly to go over and wipe it away, but knowing that it was probably not the best idea, especially since I was the one that caused the pain.

His sat up and turned his head so he was facing me. His face immediately showed guilt and sorrow, something I was not expecting.

"Clary, I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you got up this morning. I just had to take a walk and think, and I'm guessing you remember where I told you my favorite place was to think," he smiled at the beginning but eventually his face casted his signature smirk, the one that always made my eyes roll, and so they did just that. "Of course, it is one of my favorite moments."

He smiled, and got up to come towards me, but he slipped on something instead. I burst out laughing. He ended up landing on his butt and was pouting on the floor, like a 5 year old. "This is why I clean my room," he grumbled.

I smirked at him, "Yeah, but I don't have OCD."

He put his hand over his heart and was mocking being offended, "Oh Clary, how your judgment hurts me so."

I smiled and helped him help, well as much as my little body could do. I kissed his cheek, "There all better."

He smirked, "I don't think that's how it goes, you're supposed to kiss the spot of the injury, and since I landed on my-"

"There is no way I'm kissing your ass."

He smiled, "I never said my injury was there, but you're welcome to kiss my beautiful ass since it is obviously what you're always thinking about."

I lightly hit him on the chest and walked out of my room, "Shut up."

"And she doesn't deny it!" he exclaimed following me down the stairs.

I smirked; _two can play at that game. _

I turned around and slowly walked up to him and leaned in very close to him, "You're right," I breathed in his ear.

His breath hitched and he gulped, "About what?" His voice was raspy, and he looked like he was about to jump me. I loved having this effect on him, and his face almost made me break character, I almost broke into a fit of giggles.

"Let's take this into a more…private area." He nodded, and I lead him into my bedroom once again. I kicked the door closed with my foot and pushed him, onto the bed. I slowly unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt. His eyes were wide and his breathing was still very ragged. He opened his mouth about to say something, although part of me thought he probably couldn't. I trailed my finger slowly from his chest to his lips, slowly shushing him, "Baby, let me do all of the talking."

He quickly nodded. "Now close your eyes," I said seductively. His eyes snapped shut, and I crawled on top of him. I looked down at his arms and noticed that Goosebumps danced across his skin. Smirking, my mouth hovered right next to his ear making him shiver. I whispered ever so quietly, "I will _never _kiss your ass."

I quickly jumped up and bolted out the door, slamming the door behind me. Jace must have not processed it that quickly because after about 20 seconds I heard him running behind me.

I sprinted into the kitchen and ran around the island (countertop) I saw him sprinting down the stairs, his eyes hungrily looking for me. I laughed which cause him to look in my direction and he bolted towards me. Before I had time to react his arms snaked around my waist and spun me around so I was facing him.

He smiled at me, but it was more of naughty than nice. He held me tight, "Say you're sorry."

"Never!" I squirmed in his grasp, but I knew it was useless, he was way too strong.

"Then deal with the consequences." He started to tickle me and I started to squirm even more and I was laughing so hard that there were tears in my eyes. "Sorry! Sorry!"

He quickly stopped and kissed me on the lips, with all of the hunger he had before. My arms snaked into his hair tugged at his strands, which caused a deep groan to escape his lips. Before I could deepen it further though he pulled and his golden eyes made my knees weak and I almost fell. Thankfully though I was still wrapped in his embrace. He kissed me one more time and murmured, "I love you so much Clary, so much."


	11. Chapter 11

**The last few chapters have been drama filled so I figured that last chapter needed some fluff, I love fluff(: Anyways thanks Everyone, Oh! And I have a song in this chapter, Hear You Me, by Jimmy Eat World. Feel free to skip the lyrics; I know I'm not the only one who does that, yeah I'm calling you out! But yeah love the reviews and just thanks! My favorite thing is looking to see if I have been favorited or followed or whatever! Me writing awesomeness + Reviews = Faster updates! And not I'm not going to keep the chapters to myself unless I have a certain amount of reviews, I don't roll that way, Anyways…READ!**

I was still savoring Jace's embrace when someone cleared their throat. We jumped apart and looked in the direction of the noise. My eyes immediately hardened.

"What do you want, _Jocelyn?_" I made sure I put emphasis on her name, trying to hint to her that she is no longer welcome in my life; she made that decision when she left me a year ago, all alone.

"Look Clary, I know you don't want-"

"No…What gave you that impression, _Jocelyn_?" I sneered, sarcasm over-coating my words. I peeked at Jace next to me, he was nervous. I could tell because he always plays with his fingers when he's nervous.

I turned my head back so I was facing her, and I could see a scowl forming on her lips. She continued anyway, probably doesn't care if I wanted to listen or not, "…me here, but can you just hear me out for a minute, I have something I wanted to tell you."

I sighed, "Jocelyn, I told you I don't want to listen to you, just go away. I have only had two days to think about this, I need more time. Just go walk away and ruin someone else's life!"

Hurt flashed on her face, making me instantly regret that I yelled at her. Sure I was mad and I definitely have the right to be, but I could have been less….bitchy. My face softened. "Just please give me time to think, I'm already stressed out as it is, just quit harassing me," I whispered, not trusting myself that I wouldn't forgive her.

She slowly nodded, and made her way towards the door. In the doorway she turned her head around, "I love you Clary, and I always will."

_Bullshit._

As soon as the door slammed shut my legs gave way and I waited for the impact of the ground, but it never came. I looked up and I smiled when I saw a golden halo, and he returned the gesture. Jace lifted me off the ground and picked me up bridal style carrying me to my room. I opened my mouth to protest but he put a finger to my lips. "Shh, you look exhausted, why don't you take a nap?"

It wasn't until then that the exhaustion sunk in and I nodded. Jace kicked open the door with his foot and gracefully laid me on my bed, but as soon as my head touched the pillow **(A/N or for Jane "pellow") **I was called to a deep sleep.

**POV Change! Jace! (God I love him!)**

I looked down at her beautiful sleeping form. _How did I end up with such a wonderful girl? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm gorgeous, _I mentally smirked.  
I smiled at her fiery hair that cascaded across her pillow in soft, luscious curls. My eyes shifted towards the top of her head and I immediately frowned upon seeing that her roots were noticeably gray. The gray started at her roots and were about an inch in and then gradually started to brighten into that fiery red color that we all know and love.

It was then that I came to my senses and noticed how creepy this was.

I backed away from the bed and laid down on the ground, waiting for sleep to come. Sadly it never came. Groaning, I got back up and headed downstairs where music softly played from the radio in the living room, one of my favorite songs, **(A/N Ha! I fooled you guys! I bet you thought that Hear You Me was right now! Author-1 Readers-0 (Sis-XD Good times, Good times))** Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop, by Landon Pigg.

I smiled realizing that this was our…_wait we Clary and I didn't meet at a coffee shop, and I'm in love with her, not possibly falling for her._ _Why was this _our_ song? Oh right….Clary loves it, and I got to admit, it's pretty cute….not that I would ever say that out loud. _

I hummed along to the tune when I heard the creak of the staircase. My head snapped towards the noise, "Clary, what are you doing here?"

She gave me a look that clearly stated 'what do you mean "what am I doing here"? This is my house.' "Jace, this may surprise you, but you don't live here," she told me like she was talking to a five year old, slowly and carefully.

I decided to play along, "Oh yeah, sometimes our fun times make it feel like I'm longer here than I actually am." I wiggled my eyebrows up and down, suggestively.

She smacked my arm and playfully glared at me.

It was then that I noticed how pale she was. I looked her up and down and realized that she was only skin and bones. "Clary," I asked cautiously, "when was the last time you ate?"

She momentarily froze, before she composed herself again. Not everyone would have noticed it; _then again I'm not everyone. _"A f-few hours ago," she stuttered.

"Bull," I responded bluntly. I got up and grasped her hand. I was about to pull her up when she yelled, "No! Jace I told you I can't eat. I have an apple now and then, but other than that I can't, it's too painful."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "It's not that you can't, it's that you won't." She didn't respond, just stared blankly at me, so I continued, "Look Clary, I know it's painful and all but-"

Her face burst into red hot fiery flames, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING JACE! UNLESS YOU HAD A TIME WHEN YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE BUT YOU WERE IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT YOU HAD TO TAKE AWAY YOUR NESSESSITIES."

She burst into tears and fell to the floor. I scooped her up and cooed, "Shh… it's ok, it's ok."

I rubbed her back while she snuggled into my chest.

I looked up at the clock and noticed that it was past midnight. I sighed while picking her up and gently carried her back into her bedroom.

I laid her down once again on her bed and looked at her snoring form. _We should get back to school tomorrow, I'm sure everyone is freaking out…..especially since I haven't checked my phone…whoops. _My hands grasped her shoulders softly and shook her awake. Her eyes fluttered open and stared right into mine. They still had that sleepy appeal to them but she couldn't have looked more beautiful.

"We are going to go to school tomorrow. If you are up to it that is. I'm going to wake you up and we'll see if you are feeling well enough."

She nodded and instantly her body relaxed.

I don't think Clary would be too happy if I dressed her in her pajamas while she was sleeping, but that doesn't mean _I_ can't. I went over to my bag (I keep a bag here at Clary's house in case I needed anything) and grabbed a set of pajamas. I shifted uncomfortably at the silentness. _I'll just keep her radio on low. _I tip toed over to her radio and found a good station. My ears perked up as I instantly recognized the tune.

_There's no one in town I know  
You gave us some place to go.  
I never said thank you for that.  
I thought I might get one more chance.  
What would you think of me now,  
so lucky, so strong, so proud?_

I stood there frozen, as my eyes began to sting.

_I never said thank you for that,  
now I'll never have a chance._

The realization began to drown me, as reality sunk in.

_May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in._

I fell to the floor with my head in my hands, tears staining my face.

_So what would you think of me now,  
so lucky, so strong, so proud?  
I never said thank you for that,  
now I'll never have a chance.  
May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in._

It had never occurred to me that losing someone could be this painful.

_And if you were with me tonight,  
I'd sing to you just one more time.  
A song for a heart so big,  
god wouldn't let it live._

Throughout my entire life, I've never been loved nor have I loved

_May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in.  
May angels lead you in.  
Hear you me my friends.  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.  
May angels lead you in._

until now.

_May angels lead you in._

I'm not ready yet. "Please don't leave me Clary. I can't do this without you," I whimpered.

**I almost cried the end of this chapter but it dawned on me that A.) Jace never really showed that much that this was killing him besides when Simon pointed it out to him. And B.) They missed a ton of school….and I didn't have an explanation…so they are returning. Yay!**


	12. Chapter 12

**So I realized it has been awhile that I've updated in the 3 dayish range. Really funny chapter towards the end, you people that go to my school, will understand who that is, Yes, I love her(;**

**Chapter 12**

**Still from Jace's POV. It starts after he cries for a little while.**

I slowly got up and walked over to her bed, where I softly cradled her cheek. I slid into the bed next to her but not before quietly whispering, "I love you."

I couldn't fall asleep at first, I could only think about how I didn't realize this before. _How could I have not noticed?_ But I knew why, it was because I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that something good actually happened in my life, for once. It never seems to happen though.

I stared back at her sleeping form. Her still breathing seemed to calm me and wash away all the worries that I had a minute ago, leaving me in a pure bliss of love. _I just need to spend time with her while she still has it._

With that I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

_I'm 15 for a moment  
Caught in between 10 and 20  
And I'm just dreaming  
Counting the ways to where you are._

I was startled awake by my phone blasting the lyrics to 100 years **(A/N It's by Five for Fighting. I do not own anything from that song, besides my love for it (: continue!) **I sat up groggily, and rubbed my eyes away from sleep. Let's just say I'm _not_ a morning person.

After 10 minutes of debating whether I should get out of bed or not, I finally got my lazy ass up. I stumbled over to Clary's side of her bed and gently shook her awake. "Clary, it's time to get up."

Her head shot up and banged into mine. I smiled while painfully rubbed the spot she hit me, "Whoa, someone's ready for school."

She smacked my arm and replied in a completely serious voice, "I realized that I only have so much time left." I visibly winced at the memories that came floating to the surface at those words. "So I'm going to spend as much of it as I can."

I nodded in reply and helped her up, to see that she looked even worse than yesterday. I miss that carefree Clary, but I have a feeling she might not ever return. Her eyes lost all life from them and held this dull, saddened look that made my heartbreak every time I saw them. I knew I had to be strong for her, especially since I already left her once. I can't break her anymore, but what much can I do myself, considering I'm broken too?

Clary left to go into the shower, leaving me alone with my thoughts to keep me company. While she was showering I decided this was my time to get gorgeous… _oh wait, I already am. _I smiled at my own comment, before getting on my favorite pair of dark wash jeans (yes men also do have a favorite pair of jeans) and a V-neck white t-shirt. I stared in the mirror while smiling, _I seriously look good._

I turned back to the bathroom door, and instead found Clary standing there. She had black skinny jeans on with a slim fitting light green top on… let's just say she looked _good._ My jaw dropped.

"Don't keep your mouth open, you'll catch flies," she smirked.

I strutted over to her and grabbed her waist, successfully receiving a squeal from her. She gazed up into my eyes, and all other thoughts left my mind; it was just me and her. My eyes stared at hers, then her nose, and eventually settled on her lips. She seemed to be thinking the same thing because next thing I knew she was pulling my face down on hers and kissing me.

My arms snaked around her. This kiss was soft, sweet, and compassionate, and I could tell that was not what she wanted. But after my...uhh..._wonderful _evening I didn't want to make her feel worse, even if she wanted this now. Before she could take things any further I pulled away. She pouted which caused a chuckle to erupt out of me. I leaned on the wall next to me, a smirk etched on my face, and Clary decided slapped my arm. I said, "Clary, we have to finish getting ready."

She sighed and nodded. She walked to the door, while swaying her hips. My eyes hovered to her ass, _dammnnn, she has a good ass. Damn hormones. _

She turned around and winked at me, "Coming, Jace?"

I scrambled to a standing position and stumbled after her to the door and quickly followed her.

"Heads up." She threw an apple at me which I caught easily, _did I mention I was the point guard and captain of the basketball team, not to mention also the star player? _"Come one," Clary said, "We are gonna be late for school."

I nodded and followed her out the door, where she went to her car and unlocked the door. I opened my side and slid in. I grabbed her hand, and she rewarded me with one of her beautiful smiles.

Clary pulled out of the driveway and drove us to school. On the way there, I rubbed small circles on the back of her hand. I have to say I honestly felt way better than last light, _maybe I just needed some me time. _

**I hate to do this again…but… POV Change, CLARY! WOOT WOOT! **

I sweetly smiled at all of the girls at school, glaring at Jace and I hands intertwined. I smirked, _yeah bitches, he's mine. _

He led me up the steps and we walked into school. The air went still and an awkward silence hung in the hallways. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, _Great, I just love attention. _I noticed a pair of chocolate brown peek out through the crowd. Simon ran up to me and tackled my in a hug, "Fray! Don't ever leave this school again! I was terribly lonesome."

I pulled back and smiled, "It's good to know you were worried about my overall well-being."

"Well, you know…"

I lightly hit his arm, but pulled him into another hug anyways, "I missed you so much, Si."

"Thanks, I would miss me too." I smiled, _I missed him so much. _

I unraveled myself from him and proceeded to my locker. I dialed in my combination and noticed a sudden chill behind me. I turned around a noticed Jace was missing, and then I spotted him talking to a few of his buddies, _Good, he needs some time with his friends. Maybe he will quit fretting over me, too. _I turned back to my locker and yanked it open. A note fluttered out and landed on the ground. I stared at it curiously for a second before bending down to retrieve it.

_**I know.**_

_What the hell does that mean? _I flipped the paper over…. blank. It was just a white slip of paper, with black, printed ink. My brows furrowed in confusion. _Who would want to send me a note? And they know what? Is it about my parents…or my disease? _I frowned, _Way to be specific, mysterious person. _Since there was nothing I could do I brushed it off, and decided it was not the _best _idea to stress over something, especially since it could mean nothing.

I grabbed my bag of stuff I needed and walked to History. History may be all that and a bag of chips, but I always thought that if you didn't care about the past, why learn it? I know, cruel, but I have no interests about the past, I just want to know what happens in the future, _if you have one. _I pushed those negative thoughts aside; I can feel bad for myself later.

I walked into Mrs. Babich's classroom, _yeah….not my favorite teacher. _I waved hello, and she snorted in return. I walked to my seat and put my "materials" on my desk. I mean maybe the reason I don't like History is because of the teacher, but hey can you blame me? I turned back and looked at her, where she continued to pour water from her big water bottle, into her little one. _She does this every day and I never understand why. There is a drinking fountain down the hall so if she could bring the little water bottle she could just refill, or better yet, just drink from the big one. _And that is not the only…abnormal thing she does, but I don't feel like going into detail.

I realized I was staring at my teacher, for a while, so I snapped my head in another direction. She called attention and started with her everyday saying, "If you have gum or candy please put it in the waste basket."

I don't know why she does that, no one listens **(A/N in case you were wondering, this is a teacher at my school…and she does both of the things, along with many others. She could win best teacher of the year award, every year. It always confuses me why she never does. Good times, good times) **but every day she says it anyway. I slump down in my seat not really caring, no shocker there. It occurred to me that I have not been sick in a while, nor have I had any dizzy spells. With a new feeling I happiness I decided to pay attention, until I realized where I was, so I slumped down in my seat once again. Sighing, I stared out the window of the class, letting my thoughts tear me away from reality.

No matter what I thought of, my train rode back to that mysterious note from my locker, it was bothering me, a lot. I just couldn't help but wonder who sent me it, I don't know why someone would feel the need to _threaten _me; I mean I'm a decent person, right? I let out a frustrated noise. Heads turned towards me, and I blushed a deep red. _This is why I suck at puzzles; I never have the frustration span to ever finish without throwing a hissy fit. _Annoyance spread across my face, and traveled all over my body. Jace always said, "That I reason I get frustrated more than others is because it matched the color of my hair."

I smiled as the train took a different, sun shining path. It honestly reminded me of the yellow brick road, except this one leads to the city of gold, population: Jace. If anything could distract me from something… this confusing, it was Jace. Although something kept nagging at mind to not let this go, but I pushed aside those thoughts, and thought only of gold.

**And Scene! If some of you guys didn't understand the whole "train" thing I was talking about her train of thought, not a real train, going to Jaceville. I want to go there… Anyway Good Night!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey! Sorry I haven't updated in forever. Over break I was hoping to update twice but all I did was clean and visit family…. A lot. Finally I had time though! I also got some really cool violin music books from amazon and I played them for hours, sorry that I have a life outside of writing. Oh and I can't forget my 6 hours of Play practice today! Joy. R&R and enjoy! I lurvvv you all! (especially my sister, friends, and of course me!) *scratches back of neck awkwardly* Yeah….**

**Chapter 13**

The sound of the bell blared through the hallways. My head snapped up and I raced out of the classroom, very excited to get out of the room, that everyone calls, "prison."

I smiled, at the thought of our conversations that have led to Mrs. Babich. _Good times, Good times._

I arrived back at my locker, and yanked it open. I smiled, _No note. _Relief flowed through my veins, effectively washing away my worries. I have to say, it felt nice to just feel…nothing. Someone lightly tapped my shouldering, jerking me from my thoughts. I spun around and was met with perfectly straightened, black hair. _Isabelle._ Worry radiated from her, causing wrinkles to cover her face.

She was staring at me, making me shift uncomfortably. I wasn't used to Isabelle being so… how do you say it? In tune. She never really realizes things, unless someone shows her the whole puzzle. **(A/N I don't think Isabelle is stupid. This is how I always pictured her though. She's smart just a little slower at certain things, like Jane****) ** Although, I'll give her credit for always knowing whose going to get together with who, like Jace and I, or knowing who was going to break up.

She pulled me into hug, squeezing the air from my lungs. She let go and gazed at me while smiling, "Clary, you scared the hell out me! Why couldn't you just open your mouth once?"

I smiled, reassuring her I was fine, that nothing was wrong. "Isabelle, I know you think that you don't talk much," she scoffed at me, but I continued, "but it is sometimes hard to get a word in when you're talking, which never ends."

"Since when?"

"Since," I tapped my chin, pretending to be thoughtful, "always."

She shook her head, still smiling.

She seemed happy… _too_ happy. I asked, "What's got you all happy? You seem…..different." She looked at me. "I mean a good different!"

'Well, do you know what day it is?"

"Well," I said mimicking her, "since we are in school I would have to say Saturday."

She smacked my arm, "Thank you Ms. Sarcastic."

I smiled; I missed a friend who I joke around with, hell I missed just hanging out with someone is not male.

"It's Tuesday. What happened to me on Friday?"

I racked my brain for something from on past conversations, nothing came to mind. "I don't know what-" Then it hit me. I screamed, "HOW DID YOUR DATE WITH SIMON GO?"

People stared at us and Isabelle and I glared at them. "I know you all have boring lives, but really you could at least try to hide your interest in ours," she said.

I giggled, mostly because it was true; people knew something was wrong with me, but just not what. Although it might just be because the top of my hair is grey…_I feel old._

"Clary, it was wonderful!" I gave her a questioning look. "The date of course! He was such a gentlemen and…" she continued to squeal. I tuned her out. I love Isabelle, but she can talk for hours about boys. Actually scratch that, she can talk for hours about anything.

My mind wandered off, images of Jace and others things floated by. I smiled thinking about Jace. It quickly evaporated when I remembered how he met my mo- I mean Jocelyn. My mind took off in another direction, wandering towards her. It's been a day since our "friendly conversation" but it felt so long ago. I wish I could erase that memory from my head, but it was forever burned into my mind, screaming louder than the rest of my memories, overpowering every thought. I shook my head, desperately trying to think of something else, anything else.

Sadly, I had no such luck. I eventually gave into the screaming voices in my head, too tired to fight them off. I knew I should try to not let her get to me, but no matter how poorly she acts, she's still my mother. I wanted a regular mother daughter relationship, but the hope was crushed after she didn't return, like she promised to. I couldn't choose what to do. I wanted my mother in my life, but at the same time I didn't. She obviously doesn't care enough to help me, or even want to know what was going on in my life. But she's back now, desperately trying to get my attention, to be back in my life. It was like I had a tug of war match in my head, but this time there wasn't an easy winner. I couldn't choose which side was better. For all I know maybe neither of them is a good idea.

I sighed, and drummed my fingers on my binder. A nervous habit I picked up from Jocelyn. I wanted some guidance; some figure to help with this, but sadly that figure is what caused my whole dilemma.

A tapping of my shoulder extracted me from my world. I instantly felt relieved to have a distraction. I looked up and saw that Isabelle had caused this motion. "Clary, are you alright? You pretty much zoned out as soon as I started talking."

I blushed, embarrassed that she caught me…for once. "Yeah, just have a lot on my mind."

She nodded, closing off the conversation. I was grateful. "Anyway I'll just tell you the important part. Me and Simon are dating!"

My eyes widened, I was happy for them, I really was but at the same time I could see this turning out very badly. They could be a good match, I guess. But the differences in them could break them up, and not just in the relationship way. Then again, Isabelle and I are nothing alike, but we get along great.

I hugged her tightly while congratulating her, finely someone that is not her "friend with benefits." The PA sounding filled the hallway, instantly turning it into silence. _Clary Fray to the principal's office please. _I pulled away and Isabelle gave me a look saying, "What did you do?" I shrugged, not really worried about it. I loved my principal, and I did nothing wrong, well… that I'm aware of.

I walked through the deathly silent hallway; the stares of everyone sending chills up and down my spine. I was never a fan of being in the spotlight. I realized that the hallway was still silent. Curiosity seeped into my skin and settled there. I finally gazed around and stopped in mid tracks. Everyone was staring at the roots of my hair, the grey part. Embarrassment replaced the curiosity and I covered my hair with my hands and ran to the office, wishing that the floor would suck me into a dark abyss, never letting me escape.

Finally, I made it to her office where I continued to get stares from all the office ladies, and they were all directed to my hair. I was handing out death glares on a silver platter to all of them, testing them to ask about it. Almost all of them averted their gazed immediately, but a few took my icy glare. With a sharp turn I entered Mrs. Morgenstern office and sat down in the seat waiting for her to speak. "Clary, it has come to my attention that you have missed the past few days of school. I take it it's from your personal problems?"

I nodded. She sighed, "Okay, I understand but your teachers keep calling me some of them worrying what happened to you. I didn't tell them anything, but I want you to realize that they will know eventually." She gazed at me, her eyes slowly melting from her hard principal stare, to a sincere one, the one that my mom used to wear. "It is still completely your choice, but I think it might be a good idea to inform them. I make sure to tell them to keep it to themselves." She paused, "Can I?"

I slowly nodded not very excited about it, but seeing her point. They were going to find out eventually. "Great." She walked around her desk and gave me a hug, again. I generously accepted, especially when she said, "No matter what happens, or what anyone says I will always fully support and be there for you."

Smiling, I pulled away while whispering, "Thank you." I walked out the doors trying to contain the tear threatening to spill over my cheeks. One dripped down my face and I quickly wiped it away and stopped myself, desperately trying to control what I truly felt.

I made it back to my locker after walking through the empty hallways, noticing that the bell must have rung. I spun my combination in and opened my locker, when something white caught my eye. My face immediately fell. There was another note (folded this time) taped to the inside of my locker. My heart stopped cold. Millions of thoughts raced through my head, transforming into a headache…. great. _This day just keeps getting better and better._

I took a deep breath and with a trembling hand I carefully peeled the note from my locker, and unfolded it.

It read: _Do you know who I am?_

I glanced around still no one was there though. I think I might have even saw a tumble weed roll on by. Confusion and anxiety flowed through my veins, sending chills down my spine. I wish I could say that I certainly wasn't curious but sadly I am. _So much for that last note meaning nothing. _

I must have looked like an idiot because someone one called my name. I spun around and was met with floppy brown hair and a gaming t-shirt that read: _Gaming isn't a hobby; it's a lifestyle._

I smiled wondering where on earth he even buys these shirts, but shook those thoughts away having more important things on my mind. Simon must have noticed this because I could feel his eyes trying to analyze me. I slowly lifted my head to face his, and his eyes stared at mine, flicking from one to another, trying to decipher my thoughts. And although Simon can usual tell whatever's happening in my life before I can, I made sure I locked away my thoughts, because I knew he would probably try and "forbid" me to look further into this, or something like that; like I would listen though.

Not finding anything, he backed off but something glistened in his eyes, still assuming something happened. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and we walked off to class, talking and laughing about nothing, just like old times. I sighed in content, _at least I can always count on Simon._


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

After Jace dropped me off at my house I ran- well as fast as you can when your skin and bones, which I am- to my room.

Once and I entered and lightly shut the door behind me, I walked to my bed and sat down. I got out my thinking cap **(Blue's Clues XD) **and let my feelings and thoughts drag me into oblivion.

_Ok, what do I know so far?_

…

…_._

…_.._

_That he knows how to spell…? _

_Shit. _

_I have nothing. Why is he making this so damn hard? Did I mention that I can't solve cases? Hence why I'll never be a detective. _

I sighed, _This isn't helping. _Gradually, this anger and frustration swirled inside me. I could feel my whole body going rigid, while my face turned into a tomato **(Jane…)** and my jaw clenched.

I got up and started pacing. My hair was being yanked by my fingers in the hopes of stopping my angry midget look. It wasn't that I was mad at anyone particularly; it just frustrates me that when I think I'm finally understanding something, it just ends up confusing me more. And no, it's not that I'm stupid, thank you very much.

I let out a frustrated groan and sat back down. Slowly, the heat and anger evaporated until I was my normal pale self again. I put my head in my hands, while shaking it. _Why is my life so damn complicated? Why?_

A knock from the door put my pity party in halt. I made my way over to the door. _I wonder who- _The door opened and a huge smile danced across my lips as my eyes lit up at the familiar figure standing in the doorway. I ran over to him and gave him a bear hug. His arms awkwardly wrapped around me and I could tell he was uncomfortable, but at the moment I didn't care.

I pulled away and looked at him with shining eyes. "I missed you so much Alec!"

He ruffled my curls and his smile slightly twitched when he saw the grey. But he composed himself and looked at me like he didn't see anything. I let it go, that was the least of my problems.

I looked at him noticing the much calmer demeanor that held his frame. His shoulders didn't look as tensed as they used to be and instead of that masked smile he always wore I could see a real genuine one took its place. He still had his black hair, and those beautiful, crystal, blue eyes. I'm not going to lie, with those looks we might have been dating by now, but sadly he's gay. No, I don't have a problem with gay people, and he has this really sweet boyfriend anyway.

I smiled brightly at him, "How was the trip, Alec? Did you have a _fun_ time?" He swallowed and quickly averted his eyes, along with his face. I laughed at his awkwardness. He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, before facing me again, a smile forming on his lips. "What are you giggling about?"

"Oh," I gave a devilish smile, "_nothing_."

He shook his head at my weirdness, still smiling.

"No, but seriously, how was it?"

His face lit up immediately, as he dove into the story. I laughed when he told me with a horrified facial expression about the shopping part of the trip. Magnus (his boyfriend) has a wild addiction to shopping; something Alec isn't too much of a fan of.

After he was done, a comfortable silence hung in the air. Alec and I were like that; we could be alone in a room, and just sit there, in silence, with no awkward appeal to either one of us.

Eventually he broke it though; I could tell that I was worrying him, with just my looks, (and no I don't mean how hot I am) hell, I could worry anyone, with this sickly, pale, thin look I've got going on. And to be quite honest I can't pull it off, and I sure as hell hope no one can. No one should have to look like this.

"…okay though?"

I blinked and looked up at him with confused eyes. "What?"

Alec nervously chuckled and muttered something about my mind never stops wandering. "I was just asking you if you were okay."

I immediately paled at his statement. This only seemed to worry him more at his fiddled with the end of his shirt. I nodded yes as I quickly tried to compose my face, to look blank, but Alec can always see right through it, and with no surprise he didn't fall for it.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Clary, what's wrong?" His tone held authority but also a bit of pleading expression to it.

I only shook my head. I love him like a brother, I really do, but I'm not ready to speak about this to him. I didn't want anyone to know my true emotions, not Simon, Alec, and especially not Jace. I love them all but this isn't something I want to discuss right now, maybe never. I can't let them know how much my Jocelyn affects me, or this disease for that matter. I have to be strong, since no one else seems like they can truly be at the moment. They may be pretending to be strong, but I can always see through it. Nothing can really get past me; I have always been observant, but ever since this disease hit me, I have been trying to pick up every little detail I can.

I snapped out of my thoughts, realizing Alec was still waiting for an answer, and with my new found ability I put on the best mask I could muster and with a fake smile I told him I was fine. His blue eyes twinkled suspiciously, but he didn't push me further. I think it was because I made the exhaustion apparent on my face, hoping that he would just let it slide, which he did. He may know me like he knows himself, but the same rules apply to me. We carried on a conversation for a while. When he had to leave however, he held a slight hesitation. I gave him a long hug and he pulled away a little, and looked at me in the eyes. His eyes said all that words couldn't. He gave me this looked that was a cross between, _We are not done with this discussion, _and I'm_ worried but, I hope you are feeling better_.

We untangled our arms and Alec slowly walked towards the door. He opened the door, and glanced back at me, with a sympathetic look, before quietly shutting the door.

As soon as I heard his footsteps descend down the stairs, I let out the breath I was holding. I knew Alec knew there was something off, but I was happy that he didn't pry. That was one of the things I love about him; he knows when he needs to back off, or pry. A little voice in the back of my head said that _he needed to pry, that this isn't healthy to be feeling this down, _but I quickly dismissed the thought. _I wasn't closing myself off….was I?_

_Anyway everything happens for a reason. If I am meant to close off, then I'm just going to let life take its course; I'm going to die anyway. What does it matter?_ Not wanting to get any more confused than I already am, I wandered into different thoughts. I immediately thought of the mysterious notes I've been receiving. I knew I ought to tell someone, and honestly I don't know why I'm not. Part of me is saying to tell someone because it could be dangerous but the other, stronger part is telling me just to play it through; it could be nothing, so why worry? I kept having this metal debate until I couldn't take the stress of it anymore, and screamed at my mind to shut up.

_And now I'm talking to, no screaming at myself. So not only am I going to die, but I'm going to die crazy. Great. Just great. _I let out a frustrated whining/growl sound, just as my phone went off. Sighing, I walked over to pick it up. Frowning, at the caller ID, I decided just to let it go. It was Jace, but he's been hovering over me a lot lately. I knew he wouldn't get mad at me for not answering because he would just assume I was sleeping, or something. As my phone still blared through the room, one thought occurred to me.

Sleep.

I haven't slept in a while and I could feel the exhaustion getting to me. I panicked for a minute at the thought of still having to do homework but then smiled with ease when I realized my teachers haven't given me any. No teacher (with a heart) would give a deathly sick and worried child homework. And while think some of the teachers at my school are pretty cruel, they all have a heart. Some may be bigger than others, but they still do.

I laid my head down on my pillow, erasing my thoughts, waiting for exhaustion to take over. Peacefulness eventually swept over me, and I relaxed into a deep slumber.

**(Don't think you guys want to read hours' worth of me describing Clary's peaceful sleep…so….PAGE BREAK)**

I woke up with a relaxed stretching of my arms. I quickly glanced at my clock to see how long I have before I have to be at school. It read: 12:32. _A.M.? _Then I averted my gaze to the window and realized it was light outside.

_shit. _

_Shit. _

_SHIT! _

_It is already midday, and slept for- _I did a little bit of mental math- _over 16 hours! HOLY SHIT! _I have never in my life slept for that long, and it especially freaked me out because it wasn't like I haven't been sleeping soundly. I've been pretty tired still, but I've been at least getting 9 hours of sleep, pretty much every night, with the small exception of a few.

I grabbed my phone from the night stand, surprised that it had the battery level of 3 bars. I haven't been charging it, so naturally it just seems weird… to me that is. Yeah… my mind works differently than others. I sighed and quickly look through my contacts and sent a quick message:

**Not feeling very well, I think I'm gonna stay home today. Mind telling my teachers for me? Thanks, love you. And sorry I didn't pick up you call last night. I was asleep. ~C**

Instantly I got a message back.

**Texting me in class Fray? Never thought I would see the day. **I rolled my eyes at that comment. **Sure I don't mind. And I figured you were sleeping or something. Feel better, I'll see you after school, and I love you too. ~J**

**I'm not that bad of a teacher pet. And you would have never seen the day anyway, because your ego is blocking your sight. It's wonder you have friends. ~C**

**You are a pet. And your comments hurt me Fray *points to heart* right here. ~J**

I decided to drop the conversation with that. I knew he would get a little frustrated but he loves me too much to ever get too mad at me for something like that. Same goes for me.

I started to sit up, and pull off the covers, but a shivering cold ran up and down my spine stopping me. I immediately retreated back to the warmth underneath my covers, and got a cozy again, a frowning face apparent in my expression. _Great. This is exactly how I want to be spending my little time I've got left._ I sighed, trying not to get too bored.

I looked around my room, trying to memorize every little freaking detail I could find. My desk was covered in sketches. Colored pencils were laying lazily across my artwork. I missed drawing so much; it was my favorite thing to do. My art expresses my emotions, kind of like a diary in a way. It let me relieve some stress and sometimes helped me figure out my life, and how to get it back on track, if it was a hard period for me. Drawing is my escape; it's where I can pretend for some little bit that everything's okay. I don't have any worries, my life is near perfect, and best of all I can just relax and be me. I don't have to wear a mask. Even when I'm alone I don't always show what I'm feeling, in fear that my emotions will get the best of me, but I never have to worry about that when I have a pencil and paper.

Deciding I can deal with the pain, I slowly got out of bed and carefully walked over to my desk to grab my necessary materials. I stumbled my way back to my bed and sat up with my back against my head board, and my legs spread out at different angles **(I don't know about ya'll but the only way I can sleep or in any way relax is by having my legs angled weirdly. Yes I know I'm weird, no need to judge in your minds.) **

I pulled out a piece of paper and picked up a pencil and let my mind relax, an image forming in my mind. My hand glided across the paper, forming perfectly curved lines. It was almost a subconscious movement. I shaded here and there and by the time I was done, my hands were covered in graphite, I was almost completely relaxed, and my mind was blank. I glanced down at my art work. The graceful cheekbones were set high and her eyes were stressed and worried. Wrinkles stuck out here and there on her face, and her lips were set in a thin line.

The recognition was bluntly obvious. I sighed (I seem to be doing that a lot lately.) It sometimes bothered me that my drawings cleared up my thoughts. My mind works in a way where it will avoid something that I know I don't want to believe. It's like lying to yourself some many times that you start to believe. Where that's because you can't handle that news, and it hasn't settled in yet, or you just don't want to believe it's actually happening, and you are pretending that it's not true, we ourselves honestly don't know.

Either way it annoys me because I'm not ready to talk to _her_ yet. I'm not ready for the truth, so as long as I keep telling myself that, that's how it's going to stay. A tear trickled down my cheek and splashed down on the paper below. I quickly wiped away anymore threatening to fall. _I cannot afford to show weakness. I can't give her the satisfaction. She can't win_. I set my jaw and looked forward.

I was about to crumble the paper, but something stopped me. I wanted to rip it to shreds, but I just couldn't. Some unknown force was stopping me. All the new determination I had evaporated in an instant. One tear fell and soon a river flowed down my face and as much as I tried to stop it, I couldn't. I just let them freely fall down the sides of my face, wetting my cheeks, with no energy left to stop them. I was mentally and emotionally drained from the past few weeks.

All of the emotions and problems I kept bottled out erupted out of me. I knew it was going to happen eventually but still, I mentally cursed myself for being so weak. After my mini meltdown I was exhausted. I just could barely do anything anymore, probably because I was so emotionally confused. I don't handle stress very well, and I guess it doesn't help that I was forced to grow up at such a young age. I lost a lot of my childhood, having to do everything for myself, and even though I wished it didn't happen and I would have gotten a little longer to enjoy myself, I'm kind of glad it did. I learned how to stay strong for others, how to survive emotionally, mentally, and physically on my own and becoming more observant of others.

Being very observant of others is a blessing and a curse. It gives you the ability to learn more about how life goes, and how to keep an open mind. It also helps you have the ability to step into someone else shoes, to get a better understanding of what they are going through and their over powering emotions.

I pulled myself from my thoughts. Only two words coming to my mind: Old soul.

I glanced over at the clock which read: 3:04. Jace will be here any minute. I collected myself and hid the picture I drew, still being unable to ruin it. And even though I kept lying to myself in the hopes of it coming true, subconsciously I knew the answer to the beginning of my problems was the woman in my picture and her name is Jocelyn.


	15. Chapter 15

**I know, I know. I'm a terrible person. Let me have it. You can yell all you want. I have no excuse, unless you count laziness as one….which you probably don't. I know I wouldn't, and since I'm smart and hopefully you are too, you should agree with me. And if not, agree to disagree. But yeah, sorry again. I was going to make it longer, but Psych is starting and so I have to go. Bye!**

**Chapter 15**

I was still wrapped up in my thoughts when the door banged open. "Clary, where are you?" I heard Jace call. I internally sighed. Don't get me wrong, I love Jace. I really do, but lately I just find myself wanting to be alone with me, myself, and I. I honestly don't know why, but then again, do feelings ever make sense? My mom used to tell me that your heart and feelings help guide you through life.

Bullshit.

My feelings just confuse me more, and then why I try to figure out why I'm confused, I just get more confused. Confusing, right?

"Yeah, up here," I responded.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and the swooshing of the door open. A small part of me just wanted to yell at him to go away, but the bigger part was telling me not to be stupid, that he really hasn't done anything wrong. And he hasn't. I know it's me, but the stress is just getting me. I feel like I'm suffocating to the point where it's pulling me down under, to where I can't breathe. That place is eerie, with a very dark, depressing feel to it, and even though it soothes me to go down there and join it, I've always just ignored it in the past. I've never been one to feel depressed, but then again I'm feeling things that I've never felt before too. I haven't felt like myself in so long. I miss me; if that makes sense. It's like watching a movie with a predictable ending. We all know how this movie will end, even if we don't like the ending.

Jace waves his hand in my face. "Hello?"

I blinked. "What?"

"You just kinda blanked out for a few minutes," he said with a smile that did quite reach his eyes.

"Oh, sorry. Just have a lot on my mind."

He nodded with understanding. We both sat in silence for the next few minutes, neither of us really feeling the need to speak. I felt more calm and collected when he was around. No matter how incredibly cheesy it sounds, he just makes me feel better and I'm not going to lie, it was nice.

After a while, we finally started speaking together. It was just like old times. Jace was telling me some ridiculously funny story, while I laid my head on chest laughing so hard it sometimes made me cry. "So then she started flirting with me, and made some sort of snobby comment about how the tomatoes should be in the fruit section, instead of near the vegetables, since they're a fruit. Then when I tried to explain it's because most Americans are idiots she smacked me! She screamed it was my fault for breaking up her and her ex. I understand why he broke her heart now. I almost asked her where her hospital bracelet for the incredibly insane people was."

I put my hand over my mouth to stop the infectious laughter trying to escape my lips.

It was then that my face went pale as a sheet, with a blank ghostly expression covering my face. I felt something odd. Something just wasn't right. I really can't explain it. It wasn't pain, just something… _different. _I closed my eyes trying to find the source of the oddness. It wasn't anywhere specific, just kind of all over.

I suddenly felt someone shaking me. "Clary? Clary, are you alright?"

"Yeah I fine," I responded confusion evident in my voice, when I realized that I was feeling _fine_. _Did I just make that up? Did I even feel abnormal? Or am I just deluding myself into thinking I'm fine, because I want to be? _I internally groaned. _I really need to stop thinking so deeply._

He rolled his eyes. "_Sureeee_."

"Don't talk to me like that," I snapped.

His eyes held confusion, which quickly burned into white, hot anger. "Well, I'm_ sorry_ for caring. I'll make sure not to next time."

My eyes sobered. "Jace, I didn't mean it like that."

"Of course! You never mean it! It's _excuse_ after _excuse_! I'm just trying to _help_ you Clary! Why do you keep pushing me away? What's wrong with you? Or is it me? I wait I forgot! It's _always_ me!" He roared.

My eyes went huge, as I recoiled away from him as far as possible. "Jace?" I asked in a small, unlike me voice.

"WHAT?" Jace shouted. He stare was burning hot, as I tried to look anywhere but him, but this only seemed to infuriate him more. "CLARY! Would you look at me when I'm talking to you?" He made a move to touch me, but I just recoiled further away from his touch. I have never in my _life_ seen him this angry, or anyone for that matter. My movement seemed to bring him back to present, and what came flying out of his mouth. He was still seething with anger, but I could tell he was taking most of his self-control to contain his uncontainable emotions. Jace said in angry but desperately trying to mask it voice, "_Look_, I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm not sorry for the things I said. You keep pushing me away. You _do_ realize that this affects me to right? Clary? Clary?"

One of my faults is always getting lost away with my thoughts. I think it comes with being an artist. You have to be able to kind of just draw whatever forms in your mind. You can't put too much thought into it, just draw free flowingly. Half of the battle is your mind, making it a gift and a curse. Did I also tell you I get off track... a lot?

I could see his patience was thinning. _It's because you haven't answered. He asked you a question, idiot. _I feel my face burning from embarrassment. "Uhhh, what was that again?"

He gave me an "are you kidding me?" type of face while face palming himself. I could still see the anger burning, but it had simmered down quite a bit. Thank God. He took a deep breath, then, "I know this has taken a big toll on you, but did you ever think of how this affects me?"

I was taken aback. At first, that was all I thought about. Not how it affected me, but Jace. Now it seemed that the roles were switched. I took a good look at him. He had bags under his eyes, lost quite a bit of weight, and radiated a confusing mix of hope and hopelessness. But what really shocked me the most was his eyes. I loved looking into Jace's eyes. They had such a complex composition it always left me in awe. His eyes always held mischief and cool, collected façade left for strangers, but if you knew him really well, like me, then you could see the burning compassionate love.

However now when I looked, they have dulled down a lot, leaving a desperate, but hopeful gaze in them. The love was still there, shining stronger than ever, but as I said earlier, it was coated with desperateness. A look that I placed there. A look that I can't change or make better. A look that absolutely crushed me.

I dropped my head. All of a sudden, guilt consumed me, filling me to the brim. I desperately wanted to make him better, shower him with sorrys, and beg for his forgiveness. He must have seen the look flash across my face because he immediately tried to reassure me that it was okay. That I did nothing wrong. That he was just stressed. But I didn't believe him. The words already suck in, leaving a guilt filled path in their wake. I felt terrible. The whole time I had been worrying about me, while Jace had to watch me day after day. Each day weaker than before. Each day inching closer to death than before.

I blocked out all of his reassurances. I didn't want to hear it. I pulled my head up, staring straight into his eyes trying to find any anger, disappointment, or hatred, but all I saw was love and compassion, with a smidge of grief. I don't know why but that made me mad. Like really mad. Before I did anything bitchy, I got up quickly and ran to the out the door. I know I needed to cool down, so I went outside and sat on the porch steps.

As I sat, gazing at the beautiful sky around me, I let my thoughts consume me again. I don't care if Jace forgives me. I need to forgive myself first, and I honestly don't know if I can do that. I know how crazy that sounds, but I feel guilty over everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. You're probably thinking, _What's the big? Just let it go. If he can forgive you, so can you. _But that's the thing, I can't. I can't explain it, but for guilt ridden people, they understand it whole heartedly. You feel like you can't let anything go, until that person fully convinces you that it's okay. Imagine how annoying that can be. I hate it, almost as much as I hate Christmas songs on the radio 3 months before Christmas **(I seriously hate that. It's one of my pet peeves.) **

I pulled my knees up to my chest and let the silent tears fall down my face. I heard my front door open and shut. I felt the weight on the step as Jace came behind me and sat down. He then set his hand on my back gently rubbing it up and down trying to soothe me. I didn't think I deserved it, but it felt so comforting I didn't say anything, or even show acknowledgment that I knew he was here. I just sat there, letting him calm down my emotions. Let me just say, it helped clear my mind a lot.

I looked up and stared him in the eyes. "I'm sorry," I said as tears spilled down my cheeks.

He just shook his head and replied, "Don't be." I didn't bother to respond. I didn't need to. He could see all my emotions pretty damn well. Although, I wasn't _really _trying to hide them.

I heard pounding footsteps on the sidewalk and glanced toward the noise. My face lifted a little at his little kid excitement. Simon ran up to us, but when he saw my tear dried cheeks and Jace's around me, he halted. A look of confusion, which quickly morphed to embarrassment displayed on his face. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Umm... Am I interrupting something?"

I burst out laughing at his awkwardness. Simon's eyes narrowed at me. "Got anything to say, Fray?" He said while lifting any brow.

I narrowed my eyes. He knew I couldn't do that and that I freaking hated it when he rubbed it in that he could. "You know how much I hate when you do that."

Both eyebrows shot up, as a look of innocence crossed his face. "Do what?" I just shook my head. Simon smirked, knowing he won and said, "Anyway, I came to get you. We haven't hung out in a while. I was wondering if you wanted to have a Harry Potter marathon tonight."

My eyes lit up at the mention of my favorite book series. Simon and I read all of the books at the same time, and saw all of the movies together. We always used to watch them when one of us was down, or when we just wanted to spend time together. "Sure," I replied gleefully. He knew how much of an HP nerd I was.

He genuinely smiled and said, "Are you ready to go now?" I looked questioningly over at Jace who nodded. I smiled back at him, relief covering my face. We had spent so much time together. It would be good for both of us if we had some time apart.

I glanced over at Jace who was beginning to stand up. I skipped over to him and gave him a kiss on the lips. He smiled as we split apart. Jace was starting to walk away and I quickly called over to him, "I love you."

He turned back and slowly smiled before responding, "I love you, too."

It made my heart skip a beat. Even for as long as we have been together, he can still make my heart skip a beat with three simple words. I looked over at Simon. "Your house or mine?"

He looked at me thoughtfully before responding with a nod, "Mine."

Nodding, I took my hand in his and we began the long treacherous journey to his house.


End file.
